Dear Everyone in the World,
OK, people, listen up: look down at your feet. Do you have on some sort of weirdass lookin’ future shoes on? You know what I’m talkin’ about. Are your shoes all shiny and futuristic, with no laces, and shiny strips like racing stripes? Are they some crazy badass color? Do they slip in one easy motion, shaving minutes off your morning dressing time?

If so, take them off, throw them in a dumpster, and go buy some normal sneakers. Because you’re freakin’ me out, man. I walk around now, and everybody looks like freakin’ “Brave New World”. Everyone’s got these little silvery, shiny, smooth spheres of plastic on their feet, and they’re driving their “PT Cruisers” and they’re talking on their unobtrusive cell phone headsets, and reading stuff off their cool handheld computers. Everyone’s all cool, and futuristic, and here I am, with sandals on, and a plaid shirt. Some sort of weird reject from the grunge revolution, whose closet’s so full of earthtones it looks like a freakin’ grassy knoll.

I’m the old model. I’m last year’s news. I’m the pet rock. I’m disco. I’m Corey Haim.

And it’s making me sad.

So, if you’d all at least just stop with the shoes, it would, in a small way, help me out. It would help me slow time down a little, and keep the gap between now and 1995 from widening so quickly.

I appreciate your help. So does Cory Haim.
Thank you,
Porter