I wear many hats here at TJ Monkey’s. Some days I’m a comedian, other days a social activist or maybe a prostitute in the making. Sometimes I wear my fuzzy wool cap. Today, I’m a lawyer and I’m addressing you because I represent Yo Mama.
It seems that you, the reader, have made several slanderous claims about Yo Mama. Things like, “Yo Mama’s so fat, she went to the beach and Greenpeace tried to push her back into the ocean.” And “Yo Mama’s so ugly even Rice Krispies wouldn’t talk to her.” And of course, “Yo Mama’s so stupid she receives poor scores on standardized tests and other accepted methods for assessing the intelligence of a certain individual.”
I’m sure you think that this is all quite ribald and you laugh to your dirty hearts’ content. When you read the title of this thought your demented mind probably came up with something like “On Yo Mama? Damn, I just got off her five minutes ago!” What you fail to realize is that Yo Mama’s a person – a sensitive person, and comments like the one’s cited above hurt her feelings and cause an incalculable deal of emotional damage. Well, all of them except the last one about the standardized tests. You’ve gotta admit that one was pretty weak. Nonetheless, my client has been hurt and consequently she seeks reparations.
There are two ways that we can go about this: First, I can take you to court. A Food Court. We’ll meet in front of the Cinnabon and I’ll beat you within an inch of your life all while enjoying some tasty cinnamony goodness with a coffee to go. Most likely, you’ll opt for choice number two.
To make up for all of the awful things that you’ve said about her, Yo Mama would like you to create just as many kind sayings about her. Here are a few to get you started:
“Yo Mama’s got such a great body, Venus and Aphrodite stopped by looking for fitness tips.”
“Yo Mama smells so nice, Calvin Klein bottled her sweat to make perfume.”
“Yo Mama’s so smart she received high scores on standardized tests and other accepted methods for assessing the intelligence of a certain individual.”
You may send her these in email form. Simply email me at bret@tjmonkeys.com and I will make sure that she receives them.
Oh, and stop making fun of cellists. I also represent Yo Yo Ma.