Part 6 of Anniversary Week
We here at T.J. Monkey’s try to serve a purpose, writing little tidbits with the hope of entertaining. We found our niche and, like a trilobite in a damp, prehistoric swamp, have flourished. I’m not quite sure when it changed, but the ripple effects were severe enough to knock that trilobite clear out of the swamp into an evolving wooly mammoth, creating a big mass of cretacious play-doh. It can all be traced back to the inclusion of a weather report.
Sure, the daily weather ticker seemed brilliant at the time. We were getting alot of traffic from people searching the web for bad ass cars and the last thing some greaser wants is to take his/her badass car out on an overcast day, with a low pressure system moving in from the west. Besides, it was about time somebody gave the weather channel a rund for their money. They sit in their cushy studio, acting all smug; telling you the weather report with no room for interpretation, no space to give a little, no gut feelings. We at TJMonkeys shoot from the hip and don’t apologize, unless you weren’t looking when we shot you. We give a more subjective weather report. Ok, our doppler 1000 might be a little outdated and the only reason we hired our meteorologist was because her name is Rainbow, but we had such good intentions. Then, Porter went off the deep end.
He started completely making up the weather reports. 110 degrees in Nevada? Come on, there’s no such thing as “Nevada”. He’s just making up words now. I started to notice a pattern. Porter’s doomsday reports were centered in the central US. A hint here, a feint there, all with the goal of getting people to flee the central US and seek refuge on the coasts. Then, working late one night at TJMonkeys downtown office, I came upon a memo from Porter to Porter: he’s forgetful, needs to write things down. Apparently, Porter is manuevering people to the coasts so that he can turn the entire middle part of the country into a big ranch for himself. Weird, huh? He doesn’t seem like the ranch type. Oh well, Lucas’s got Skywalker Ranch.
So watch out people. Porter’s got evil plans! Porter’s got evil pants! He’s manipulating you with the weather! He likes ranches! He’s gonna be sloppin’ the hogs throughout the entire state of Idaho! Someone stop him, I can’t do it alone! He’s too powerful, and, you know, he controls the weather.