Some people wonder how we here at TJ Monkey’s come up with so many wonderful thoughts to put up on the site. This thought is not for those people. This thought is for the people who are wondering about all of the thoughts that we have that don’t get written up.
Some times I’ll come up with titles or premises for thoughts and for some reason they don’t work out. I have a folder (not a real folder, just a small picture of a folder that I save Word documents in) in my computer (not a real computer, just a small picture of a computer that contains many folders) titled Working Thoughts. In very rare cases, I’ll actually start a thought, save it and get the inspiration to come back and finish it. Most are condemned to a rotting death in the Working Thoughts folder never to see the light of the computer screen again.
I’m not sure why these thoughts don’t work out, mostly I lose faith in their funniness or I can’t fill them out into something worth writing or I can’t start them or finish them or, in the case of the two poop thoughts, I just didn’t really want to go on the record with that material. Now, in an effort for closure and to free up a little disk space, I present these thoughts to you with brief synopses.
On Slanderous Learning Devices
When I was a kid I learned the directions of the compass (North, East, South, West) by the phrase “Never Eat Shredded Wheat.” What a hugely successful smear campaign by Kelloggs! I realized that I couldn’t honestly write this thought without somehow bringing up SOHCAHTOA and exposing myself as a huge nerd.
On Calories
No recollection what this was about, but guessing from the title I probably got scared of making fun of fat people and forgot all about it. There’s another thought on how clothing manufacturers shouldn’t make XL spandex bike shorts because that can bring no good to the world. I shelved that thought for the same reason. I’m politically correct and/or just afraid of getting beaten up by people who are by definition bigger than me.
On Animal Handicaps
Whenever my family would see animals outside of our house the only time we would ever name it would be if it had some really distinguishing handicap, like a torn ear or a missing leg and the name would always be in reference to their handicap like “Rippy” or “No- Leg”. Well that’s kind of cruel and maybe potentially funny. Then I couldn’t decide between making the thought about putting that situation on humans or putting human-like characteristics on those animals. Then I realized that we’d all benefit more by just reading some Far Side cartoons.
On a Poop Thought, part I
One time I was taking a poop and there was no toilet paper except that thin layer that sticks to the roll. Despite a small amount of discomfort, I originally thought myself rather clever when I just wiped my butt using the actual roll. Without blinking an eye I proceeded to throw the roll in the toilet and try to flush. Yuck.
On a Poop Thought, part II
No matter how coherent I am or how sure I am of the details of recent events, I will never be confident enough to eat a tootsie roll while sitting on the toilet.
On the Burden of Intelligence
I have a saved document with this title with nothing at all written. I have no recollection at all of what it was going to be about but I think it captures a rare and beautiful moment of pure, unadulterated intellectual arrogance on my part.
On Killing the Kid Next to Me on the Train
On a train ride from New York to New Canaan there was a six year old on the train who for fifteen minutes straight shouted “Boo!” to his mother’s encouragement amidst an hour of continually disruptive behavior. I had my laptop out at the time trying to write thoughts and this was really all I could come up with. Quite literally, a rather old man could take no more of the ridiculous behavior and proceeded to get in a shouting match with the boy’s mother and her two friends. I swear to you, obscenities by the hundreds were hurled, physical threats were made. it was amazing. Wow.
On Faith Hill
This isn’t really a comedy thought, but I was just watching SNL and thought to myself “that Faith Hill is a real classic beauty.” I will now proceed to stop stating the obvious.
On the Fetishes of Yesteryear
No thought here at all, I just said “ahhh, the fetishes of yesteryear” one time and thought that was really funny and laughed and laughed and had great amusement at that one phrase. I just wanted to share it with you.
Well, that’s it folks. Right now Porter and Flynn are sitting somewhere pulling out their hair because what I should have done is written them all out separately and we could’ve all had a break from writing. But then, some of those thoughts are really, really awful. And the ones that aren’t awful are poop thoughts. Yuck.