In an attempt to uncover the truth about vegetarians, I spent one full week undercover as one of them. That’s right, I lived amongst them for a whole week, immersed in their culture, taking note of their belief system, smelling their patchouli. The one overarching theme I discovered was that they really think they’re helping the Earth. Their actions, on the surface, are directed towards this goal. However, I quickly learned that this magnanimous exterior could only be a ruse designed to dupe the rest of the normal world. What I uncovered may shock and/or disgust you.
Vegetarian ways are not so very different from our own normal ways. Yet there is always a kind of underlying self-righteousness spin on everything they do. “Hm, that sounds nice, but I’ll have the pasta,” or “That’s ok, but I prefer vanilla,” or “Could you change that lightbulb?” I tell you, it took every ounce of my self-control to stay undercover so long. Most people would never stand such obnoxia. They were constantly asking me to do things for them. True, I was disguised as a handyman, but we all know that the constant assistance-seeking was caused by their diet. Meat contains iron, which enables our blood to carry oxygen all around our bodies. Lack of meat means lack of iron which results in anemia, making vegetarians easily winded and lightheaded during even the most mundane of activities. Choosing organic fennel at the market is usually accompanied by a nap. I’d like to see a vegetarian radio-tag a Sumatran Rhino. Those suckers can squirm.
I didn’t merely observe vegetarianism, I practiced, too. I do not recommend you trying it. I ate all manner of beans. Beans and rice, black bean burger patties, beans and franks. All sorts of legumes. I could have thrown up the entire Goya assortment, but I kept it down with all that soy crap. Man, there was a lot of soy crap. I didn’t know it at the time, but soy crap comes from beans, too. I half expected someone to show me how jelly comes from jelly beans. Ha, I’m just kidding. Nothing that tasty comes from a bean. Turns out jelly comes from fruit, which are not vegetables but are still ok for vegetarians to eat. Utter horse manure. If you are going to call yourselves vegetarians, then goddammit it stick to vegetables. Either honor the name or change it. As it stands, the word “vegetarian” is misleading, and people who have misleading names have something to hide. What are you hiding, vegetarians? Could it be sinister plot to destroy society? I think they should be forced, under penalty of torture, to change the name to “plantitarians”. Then at least we’d know where they stand in terms of food. It’s my theory that they like to be called “vegetarians” because it sounds a lot like “veterinarians”. Veterinarians actively help animals, while vegetarians merely piggyback on their hard work with a similar sounding name. Misdirection is one of the oldest tricks of charlatans and mountebanks. Vegetarians might as well set up a Three-Card Monte game on the Coney Island boardwalk. Shameful.
So what has my covert operation uncovered? Far from helping the Earth, vegetarians are contributing directly to it’s demise. Their severe dependence upon others depletes resource energy while returning nothing, leading indirectly to our dependence upon nonrenewable fuel sources. The use of mass amounts of soy products may very well suffocate us. I am not even referring to the gas resulting from human metabolism of the bean, though this problem certainly rivals that of cow methane. Cultivation of soy beans is the largest expanding industry in Brazil. More acres of the Amazon rain forest are being cut and burned than ever before in order to make room for soy fields. So the consumption of soy products is leading directly to the deforestation of the Earth’s largest source of oxygen. More perfect irony could not be found. Finally, the conniving insistence on the term “vegetarian” eats away at the moral fiber that holds or collective consciousness together. Rampant dishonesty and deceitfulness like this can only be described as societal pollution. And how can we love the Earth if we don’t love ourselves first? We can’t, friends. We cannot.
So, please, save the planet. Eat meat.