On the Stuff In My Room

ME: OK, people, everyone quiet down. Now. We’ve got a lot to do today. I’m gonna need everyone’s cooperation, and I’m gonna need everyone’s help. Now, Stolen Sign is next, is Stolen Sign here? Anyone see-

STOLEN SIGN: I’m here.

ME: All right, state your name please. For the record.

STOLEN SIGN: I, uh, I am the “Home of the Satch Fries” sign you stole from that abandoned restaurant last Spring.

ME: Mm hmm. Now…I’m to understand you, like all the other stuff here today, also want me to hang you up on the wall or somehow feature you otherwise in my room in my new apartment?

STOLEN SIGN: Yes, ah, yes, sir.

ME: OK. A couple questions. Pretty standard stuff. Do you add any sort of aesthetic value to the room?

STOLEN SIGN: Ah, well, (coughs) no, but I feel li-

ME: And does the restaurant to which you belonged, “Lisa’s” I believe it was, does this restaurant hold some sort of sentimental value?

STOLEN SIGN: Well, no, I mean I could hardly say you frequented Lisa’s, nor could I claim you really ever even tried the, uh, the Satch Fries that I refer to, but I like to belie-

ME: OK, look, Mr. Sign, we’ve got a lot to get through today, so just let me ask the questions and please answer as succinctly as possible. I’ve still got to talk to a bunch of others, including all my friend’s postcards from Wales, so I really don’t have time for all this elaboration. Now. Do you add a sort of kitsch value to the room, Mr. Sign?

STOLEN SIGN: Yes. Yes, ah, sir, yes, I believe I do, and this is the point I was trying to make, ah, earlier. I am not something normally found in rooms; I’m one of a kind. Also, on a related note, while the restaurant itself holds no sentimental value, the story of stealing me is certainly one that you have relayed to many a visitor, often, ah, referring to me with hand gestures.

ME: OK, so you’re filing under the Conversation Piece Act of 1994?

STOLEN SIGN: Yes. Yes, I am, sir. And, and I like to think that, like the framed Beatles newspaper article that was the force behind that act, what I lack in aesthetic, ah, and sentimental value, I more than make up for in “small talk fodder”, which I think, is so valuable to the room.

FRAMED ETCHING OF BRIDGE: Objection, sir, this “small talk fodder” argument was, eez, and always has been bool sheet!

ME: OK, order please…

STOLEN SIGN: At least I’m an one of a kind piece and not some stupid street vendor print!

FRAMED ETCHING OF BRIDGE: I’ll have you know I’m a very important reminder of the 1997 trip to Hungary, and one of the few items in theez room that consistently gets points in theez reviews in the sentimental and the aesthetic categories!

PAUL MCCARTNEY SOLO ALBUM: Those aesthetic points are rubbish, Bridge! Just rubbish!

ME: OK, Mr. McCartney, you’re out of order.

PAUL MCCARTNEY SOLO ALBUM: Out of order? Out of order? This whole bloody system’s out of order, you know.

ME: All right, all right. Everybody settle down. Now. Mr. Sign.

STOLEN SIGN: Yes, sir?

ME: I’m granting you a six month stay on the wall above the bed. I think what really saves you is the food aspect of the sign. Sort of a clever comment on the bed being the home of some famous food, and, well, I think it works on a humor/kitsch level, and fits with what we’re trying to do with the whole atmosphere of the apartment. Anyway, congratulations, and-

STOLEN SIGN: Oh, thank you, sir, I can’t tell you how much I-

ME: It’s not necessary, Sign, and with all due respect, we need to move on here. Is College Diploma here?

DIPLOMA: I am indeed, sir.

ME: OK, Diploma, state you case.

DIPLOMA: Well, sir, I think I’ve clearly always been a keystone to the room décor. I add a certain sophistication to the room, a certain level of intelligence. And of course, I serve the purpose of letting visitors know your academic background, really giving them an idea of what they’ll be dealing with intellectually. They know, when they see me, that they’re dealing with someone who knows their stuff. They’ll think twice, after glimpsing me, about trying to misquote Descartes, or about trying to impress you with obscure French film references. Oh, when they see me, they’ll-

ME: OK, now, Diploma, we hear this argument each year, but really, I’m not running a dentist’s office here. I don’t need people to see my “qualifications”. At least, not in such an outright manner. I mean, I don’t need more items on my walls showing guests I think I’m intelligent. That’s why I hang up these obscure jazz albums. And that allows me intimidate people in a much more obtuse manner.

JAZZ ALBUMS: Right on, sir.

DIPLOMA: But, sir, I’ve been hanging up in your rooms ever since you’ve had me, I-

ME: And maybe it’s time for a change. I mean, Lord, do I really need to be that in-your-face about the fact I went to college? It’s not like I hang up copies of my SAT scores.

COPIES OF MY SAT SCORES: A fact we’d like to change, sir!

ME: OK, Copies, you’ll have your say. Now. Diploma. I’m declaring you “off wall” for a six-month period. You will reside in the area between my desk and the wall for that six months.

DIPLOMA: This is a travesty! This is unconscionable! You will rue the day you-

ME: Diploma, I can reassign you to the back of the closet for that six months, if that’s what you want!

DIPLOMA: No, sir! I…I…the area between the desk and wall will be…splendid.

ME: OK, people, we’re gonna take a short break, and then I’ll be hearing from (shuffles through papers) Family Pictures. Family Pictures, are you here?

FAMILY PICTURES: Yes, dear.

ME: Look, let’s just skip you guys, I mean, it’s just a formality really. I’ll grant the standard one year agreement to display on and around the desk area. Agreed?

FAMILY PICTURES: Sounds fine.

ME: Good, now-

FAMILY PICTURES: Of course you wouldn’t want to display us any more noticeably than that. Noooo…Mr. Big Shot’s got no time to show people who his family is, who his-

ME: All right! All right! On and around the desk, and a prominent position on top of the dresser!

FAMILY PICTURES: Thank you, dear.

ME: (sigh) All right, so we’ll take a break, and then I’ll get to the Wales postcards.

PAUL MCCARTNEY SOLO ALBUM: When are you bloody getting’ to me?

ME: Mr. McCartney, I’ll get to you when I get to you, now please-

PAUL MCCARTNEY SOLO ALBUM: Because I’m dead tired of being hung with all the jazz albums, always carrying on with their bit about their solos and their musical cred. I’m sick of it, I’m dead sick of it.

JAZZ ALBUMS: Hey, man, it’s just the truth, maybe that’s all you sick of.

ME: All right, people, as I said before, all music will be dealt with tomorrow. For now, we are TAKING A BREAK. Now, everyone just calm down, and be back in here in fifteen minutes. Except you, Old Movie Ticket That Reminds You Of A Girl That I Don’t Want To Be Reminded Of Anymore, I’m, ah, well, I’m gonna throw you out.

OLD MOVIE TICKET THAT REMINDS ME OF A GIRL THAT I DON’T WANT TO BE REMINDED OF ANYMORE: …shit.