On the Pandatkins Diet

Cleveland, Ohio – Zoologists at the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo are being chided for their shortsightedness which has resulted in the near-death of Tsing Tao and Carlsberg, the zoo’s two giant pandas. The reproach comes on the heels of a month-long program study aimed at improving the health of pandas in captivity. Unfortunately, miscalculation and plain idiocy nearly resulted in the death of the very creatures the researchers were trying to save.

Foraging for food is the wild panda’s chief physical activity and makes up the vast majority of its daily routine. “But the problem we’re facing,” says Rusty Templar, “is that these pandas get lazy. They don’t need to forage and they love to nap, so Tsing Tao and Carlsberg both developed a bit of extra baggage. They looked a bit paunchy and were weighing in at around 375 lbs. each. Our scale was breaking.” The Metropark Zoo team, headed by Templar, developed a unique diet for the pandas in the hopes of slimming the pair down to a svelte and manageable 300 lbs.

The team modeled the diet after that of the late Dr. Robert C. Atkins. The Atkins Diet, as it has come to be called, has become increasingly popular amongst people who want to lose weight. The basic principle behind the diet is a limitation of carbohydrate intake. “I figured, if it worked for my wife,” says Templar, “it’ll work for those lazy bears. Well, they’re not actually bears. I don’t think.”

But a severe oversight put the lives of the pandas in grave danger. 99% of the giant panda’s diet consists of bamboo. The remaining 1% is made up of flower bulbs, fish, insects, or small rodents. However, the Pandatkins Diet removes bamboo entirely from the panda’s diet. Templar assumed, wrongly we now know, that the pandas would substitute more fish, insects, bulbs, and small rodents for the bamboo. “When I’m hungry, I eat. If I don’t have bread, I eat other stuff. But these pandas, sheesh. I thought getting them to screw was difficult. Try feeding them tuna.”

The pandas were on the diet for two weeks when their weight loss began spiraling. “I was really excited that the diet was working so well. I told my staff to give me regular updates while I was on vacation in the Virgin Islands. Unfortunately, I forgot to take my phone out of my pocket when I went snorkeling. I lost it [the phone], but I saw a moray eel! It had a huge mouth!” Consequently, Templar was unaware of any problem.

When Templar did return to Cleveland two weeks later, the pandas each weighed less than 200 lbs. each. “I was amazed. I didn’t think weight loss like that was possible, and I’m a scientist! Well, sorta.” Despite his morbid curiosity, Templar removed the pandas from the Pandatkins Diet and began giving them their normal portions of bamboo. “Those buggers are beefing up ok,” says Templar. “Hopefully they won’t balloon back to 375. I’ve set up a photo shoot for Jane magazine in a few weeks. In any case, I won’t be trying that diet again soon. Not with the pandas. However, the Koalas are getting a bit squishy. I’m thinking of seeing what happens if I take the eucalyptus leaves out of their diet.”