STATE ETYMOLOGIES (the last 25)
- click here for the first damn 25 states!
- Montana – Anna was a hot one, and clearly worth mounting, but naming a whole state after the idea? Sickos.
- Nebraska – The state was named before John Neka. Only he wanted something flashier than just Neka, so he changed it to NeGlitterKa. His wife recommended something not as flashy, so he went with NeBrassKa.
- Nevada – The man who coined the name did so because he wanted the U.S. to have a state with the letter “v” in it. When told that there was already Virginia, West Virginia, Vermont, and Pennsylvania he replied, “Well, we have casinos.”
- New Hampshire – Because one Hampshire just isn’t enough!
- New Jersey – The old one had way too many grass stains and was starting to fray at the sleeves.
- New Mexico – Intended to boost tourism by fooling travelers into thinking they had stumbled into a land of cheap fireworks, loose women, and dirty tequila. Don’t drink the tap water!
- New York – The name chosen after “Hip York,” “Bad-Ass Ghetto-Funk York” and “Not England York” were denied.
- North Carolina – Because the rolling hills resembled the north half of the beautiful Caroline, a well-known maiden in early colonial days.
- North Dakota – Originally “North Buttkota,” it was changed when they learned what a “butt” was.
- Ohio – The first people in this state made it their first order of business to banish the letter “o.” When he returned, unshaven and dressed in rags, they pretended nothing had changed. The name is in honor of their cunning first words to him, “Oh, hi ‘o’.”
- Oklahoma – The first settlers were actually Chinese who built homes made of okra. Only when they tried to describe the abodes to the pioneers who soon exiled them, they sounded like “okla homas.” A state was born.
- Oregon – 1849 minors found a sign on the state line reading “Ore gone.” They thought it was the name of the state, not the state of the state.
- Pennsylvania – William Penn heard good things about Transylvania, so he named his state similarly but with his name, and he then bit people on the neck every night before his unfortunate choking on a plate of garlic crucifix shaped pasta.
- Rhode Island – Originally a go-kart track only, owners called it an island to make it seem more exotic.
- South Carolina – The deep valleys reminded them of the other half of Caroline. (see North Carolina)
- South Dakota – See North Dakota.
- Tennessee – When accusations of inbreeding made their way to the state, officials came to check the number of toes and fingers each person had. It was a proud moment if you got to answer “I got ten, ya’ see.” It became the state’s name and rally cry…oh, it’s also what they said when they were banging their sisters.
- Texas – After realizing that putting a “v” in Nevada was not original, the same state founder went East to form a state with the letter “x” in it. He soon went crazy and became the president of the United States.
- Utah – It’s some Mormon thing, you wouldn’t understand.
- Vermont – It was originally named “New Vermont” until they realized that another Vermont did not exist. Thus the new Vermont became what it actually was, original Vermont, or simply Vermont for semantic simplicity, thus deeming the word “new” as a cuss word in the state of original Vermont, I mean Vermont.
- Virginia – Thousands of virgins from far and wide came to this beautiful land in search of salvation and to avoid the pressures of an imposing protestant society. That had nothing to do with the name though, some guy saw it in a Bazooka Joe cartoon.
- Washington – Everyone was fine with the state of Ashington until “w” had to come along and fuck things up.
- West Virginia – In 1804 the governor of Virginia decided to exile all the rejects, hillbillies, and toll booth collectors. They didn’t make it far.
- Wisconsin – Those Midwesterners are always trying to mask their “sin,” hiding it among other letters. We know what’s up Wisconsin, if that is your real name.
- Wyoming – The Wyo branch of the Ming dynasty. (Cut me some slack, I’m getting tired, here.)
And there they are! Our wonderful United States of America presented in etymological splendor. I think we’ve all learned a little something tonight. For instance, I’ve learned that there are fifty states. The learning never stops on the ol’ internet.