There’s something going on in restaurants around the world that I think you should know about. Yes, you, with the shirt on. Imagine this scenario: you ‘ve just settled in your plush pleather booth at T.J. Monkey’s Kitsch-en Bistro. You’re admiring the myriad of inflatable animals (including a rare balloon sculpture of Louis XIV’s prize peacock, Doodlebug, and a reproduction of Thomas Janseen Monkey’s favorite macaque, Devo) when it hits you: you’re thirsty. Damn thirsty. The waitperson brings a small yet inadequate glass half-filled with ice, topped off with a milliliter or two of water, and served with a slice of indifference. After savoring the watery goodness of your water (I apologize for that one), you patiently wait for more, your thirst simply teased. The waiter eventually passes by, tips the water jug, and provides you with exactly less water and exactly more ice than you could physically stand. This process repeats, ad nauseum, until all you have is ice. The mathematics go something like this:
| Iteration | Ice | Water |
| First | 50% | 50% |
| Second | 90% | 15% |
| Third | 130% | 10% |
| Fourth | 2,450% | 0.0875% |
After that point the math gets a bit fuzzy, but the proof is there, people. In plain numbers. I could have graphed it, but I didn’t want to insult your intelligence. Yes, you with the nose. It seems more efficient to hold your glass over the candle flame on your table until the ice melts and the glass shatters, sending shrapnel into the waitperson who then falls while trying to light a Flammable Jackalope (a TJ Monkey’s signature dessert). The newspaper floor covering (TJ Monkey’s encourages incontinence) smolders and results in the activation of the sprinkler system. Cup your hands, and drink to your heart’s content. This one’s on me. And keep the change.