I should start off by saying that I’m not a mechanic. I’ve had very little experience with mechanics, I can’t even name one off the top of my head. I met Mike, but he never introduced me to his friends. So perhaps the question I’m going to ask is ridiculous to anyone who knows anything about cars. The answer could be obvious to any educated person. But I need not worry for there are no stupid questions. Perhaps, as Miss Jenny always said, everyone else in class is itching to ask the same question but is too afraid to raise their hand. Or, in this case gain access to an Internet comedy site and create a short comedic essay on the subject.
Why does the most common malfunction of the modern automobile result in the blinkers flashing at twice or thrice the normal rate? What is going wrong with a car that makes this happen? (Insert Seinfeldian vocal inflection at your leisure) If my toaster doesn’t work right, the result is not that my toast is cooked at double speed. My watch doesn’t suddenly just speed up and go double time. Sprinters don’t break their legs in order to achieve maximum performance. I don’t understand cars, but it seems to me that they should operate along the same lines as other stuff. Consequently when things break down, the car should stop running or at least explode into an enormous ball of flaming death.
The ironic thing of course being that if you’ve ever experienced the warp-speed blinker in your own car, every second in the left turn lane with that machine gun clicka-clicka-clicka-clicka going off at you leaves you pining for the sweet warm caress of flaming death. The super-fast blinker is the single-most stressful event that can occur in nature. It’s like a clock ticking down at insanely unfair speeds and you don’t even have any idea what deadline it is that you’re supposed to be meeting. If I see a freaky blinker on the loose, I pull over the same as I would if I saw an ambulance siren. Cuz I have no idea what heinous vehicular crimes that car might commit. Same as an ambulance.
So I ask you car designers. Why did you create this? There’s no logical reason why it should happen. I can only assume that you suddenly stumbled on cold fusion and thought it would be a funny joke if you only used it for car turn signals? That’s messed up. Seriously. Not cool. No, look at me. I’m right here. Am I laughing? Do you see anyone else laughing? No, seriously stop for a second and think about it. You freak. Get your kicks out of watching people take wiffle-balls to the junk like the rest of the civilized world.