Is that my breath I see? Woo boy! It’s cold out there! Yes, that’s right, it’s Winter in America. Once again it’s that time of year when the Earth’s orbit takes us farther away from the Sun and closer to huge, mysterious ice-ball known only as “The Anti-Sun.” As a result people all across this great country, from Bangor, Maine, to Portland, Maine, are freezing their hardworking American patooties off!
In short: the American people are cold. As T.J. Monkey’s is a website of, by, and for (though often in spite of) the people, we want to help you through this tough time. So here are some tips on staying warm this Winter:
- Wear mittens. Or gloves!
- Wear more shirts than you normally do. The reason is simple: the more shirts you wear, the more likely you are to be complemented on one of them by some fine American. “Hey, nice shirt.” And the more times you are complemented on your shirt, the more times you’ll say, “Thank you.” And statistically, there is a 1/34 chance that when you say, “Thank you,” to someone, they will reply by saying, “No problem,” and patting you on the back. And each pat on the back provides you with 10.5 kiloJoules of free heat energy! So by wearing at least 7 extra shirts, you’ll keep yourself at least 23% warmer than by wearing just one shirt. It’s true, folks. Math may be sarcastic and hard to talk to at parties, but it sure doesn’t lie!
- Drink hot cocoa. The cup’ll be hot though, so keep those mittens on! Add marshmallows for a tasty treat!
- Buy lots of copies of “The Catcher In the Rye.” No one wants to find themselves at a book burning with nothing to toss on the pile. It’s rude, and what’s more, more books on the pile equals more fire particles (or “frotons”) equals more precious heat waves! And J.D. Salinger’s tale of a disaffected youth alone in New York City is not only hated by puritanical hyprocrites all across the this great land, but it also burns at a slightly higher temperature than most other classic novels. Yes, inexplicably, the gripping story of Holden Caulfield’s search for identity in a cold unfeeling world burns at a piping hot 573° F! Yow! Whatever you do, though, do not read any of the copies you have by accident. I have not read it myself, but I assume it’s a stinker. People want to burn it for a reason, folks!
- Warm your socks in the dryer before putting them on. This works with your pants or shirts, too! And mittens!
- Floss early and often. While this is good practice in any of the six Earth seasons, flossing is especially important in the Winter months. First of all, the friction caused by rubbing string against one’s teeth provides all important heat energy to our mouth and surrounding regions. More importantly, it kicks bacteria out of the crevices between our teeth and gets them back to work; where they belong! You see, the bacteria that live in our mouths and cause cavities are actually the same bacteria that live inside our “gut” and provide the “manpower” behind a human being’s “heat engine.” Sadly, like all non-Americans, bacteria have a deplorable work ethic by nature and will look for any excuse to slack off. Their favorite place to go when hiding from the foreman? You guessed it! The areas in between our teeth. Yes, they are a lazy, unmotivated lot. This is why you rarely see bacteria rise to positions of power in any good American companies.
And finally…
- Never go outside ever. Ever. But, if you do, wear mittens. (I can’t stress the mittens enough, people.)
Well, there you have it! Plenty of good tips to last you through this long, cold, lonely Winter. T.J. Monkey’s is always happy to do stuff like this for the good hardy broadchested people of America. It has, however, been pointed out to us that some non-Americans may end up reading this helpful essay. This sickens us. Though there’s nothing we can do to prevent this (except pray nightly to the gods and daemons who rule over this Mighty Internet) we do ask any foreigners who do come acress this to please not follow any of the tips. Don’t take away from Americans what is rightfully theirs.
If you do, we will be forced to take preemptive action. Swiftly, completely, and bravely, we will wipe your lazy, useless country from the face of the Earth. What’s more, we’ll do it in the middle of the night, and be out by morning, so you’ll have no way to prove it was America who did it. I know what you’re thinking, “But we’ll find fingerprints on stuff!” No, you won’t, non-Americans. You won’t find one single solitary fingerprint.
Because there’ll be no fingerprints.
Because we’ll wear mittens.
(Or gloves.)