Man, that was a great meal. I am completely full, totally satisfied, and what’s even better, that pasta I ordered was only $9.95. And since I’m on antibiotics, no alcohol – only water. Delicious, ice-filled, free water. So, what, with tax and tip I’ll probably owe – oh, ok, here’s the check. So, pass it around, let’s figure out what we owe… Yup, and I have ice cream sandwiches at home, so didn’t need dessert. No appetizer for me, either, I’ll just fill up on the free bread. Gotta love free bread. Wow, Matt’s taking a long time with that check… I hope no one thinks I’m cheap. I’m just that the end of the month is right around the corner. Bills and all. And I’m saving up to buy something big. Dunno what yet, but I’m sure I’ll see something I like. Wow, Matt’s taking a really long time with that check. No one else has even seen it yet. Oh, shit, someone’s talking to me. Oh, never mind. Wasn’t me. I can’t possibly owe that much. Better make sure.
“I’m sorry, were you talking to me? I didn’t hear what you said.”
Ok, so it was to me. That means I owe – wait. What? No! That’s bullsh-
“What? No! That’s bullshit!”
Whoops. Got a bit ahead of myself there. We’re in a public place after all. But how could I owe so much? I should owe like $15.00. $17.00 max! Oh, I see, I see. They just added the whole thing up and divided by eight. But that’s really unfair. I purposely had a cheap dinner to save money. So why the he-
“Why the hell are we dividing the check up like that! It’s inane! Are you all moral invalids?”
Ok, not the most tactful way to make my case. Moral invalids? What does that mean? I really need to calm down. I mean, sure, it’s unfair, but it’s only money, right? And principles. Yes, and principles! Principles, dammit! I, the delightfully frugal, morally fit gentleman, pinned against the gluttonous sloths of heck! I’m outnumbered so I have to pay for all their fu-
“So I have to pay for all of your fucking filet mignons and lobster ravioli in truffle sauce with caviar ragout! Throw back another platinum martini or six! No, I will not lower my voice. I am standing on this chair not just for me or my own principles, but for all the principles of all the delightfully frugal, morally fit gentlemen everywhere! And I don’t care if there is a 50th fucking wedding anniversary in the back! They’d probably agree with me! No one split the check like this during the Great Depression! That’s why they went to the damn automat! You pay for exactly what you eat! End of story! So I’m not paying for your Rocky Mountain oysters or your tiger penis soup!”
Abort! Abort!
“So I said to the guy, the one that said that to me, that thing I just said, I said to him, um, I said, stop being such a dick-house and pay.”
Yeah. Stop being such a dick-house and pay.
Sigh
I’m still right. And they all know it.