So there’s this girl, and I must say, I think I have a crush on her. But I, like many men, have the problem of not really knowing how to market myself to the female consumer, and therefore usually fall flat on my face whenever I’m within a fifty yard radius of any estrogen whatsoever. I’ve tried a lot of ways to get girls, but I’ve realized that all the tactics I was using in 7th grade were the most effective.
I was listening to Britney Spears’ first album (you know when she was young, real young, like just starting to dress herself and cut her own food), and it hit me, that she was totally speaking to my situation. I won’t get into why I was listening to the CD, how its light yet catchy chord progressions are just “fun,” and sometimes you need a little “fun” to break the monotony of work and other “fun”…no matter, the music spoke to me (with the exception of the song “Soda Pop” which loses no esteem in my mind in spite of its lack of relevance to anything at all). I think the moment I realized it was about halfway through “E-mail My Heart.” I just started balling; I knew then that I have the emotional state of a 13 year-old girl.
So I figured, if that’s how I feel, then that’s how I should act. The first thing I did was to buy a diary. Now, “Dear Diary” isn’t until the second Britney album, but I was in the bookstore, and I saw the metal flower on the front and the mini-lock so my stupid brother can’t read it (that is, if he can find it 🙂 ), and I just couldn’t resist. Here’s what ensued:
Monday-
Dear Diary- So I saw that special girl today. I was on my lunch break and she was heading to the subway. I think we made eye contact, but it’s hard to tell because she has glasses. My friend Billy said that he works one floor below her and he knows her wicked best friend. I need to find out if she’s single!Tuesday-
Dear Diary- Okay, so the word is that she’s available: good. But she hasn’t dated anyone in a while: bad. Regardless, Billy was able to get her instant messager name, it’s “BondTraderSexFox4572.” I’m totally going to IM her, but what will I say???Wednesday-
Dear Diary- Apparently she thought I was this ex-boyfriend so she warned me a few times, but after a little while, I was able to convince her otherwise. She probably thinks I’m some random thirty year-old lesbian, but regardless I found out where she likes to go dancing. I’m THERE this Saturday. I’m going to start rating each day on a scale of 1-5 Soda Pops, 5 Pops being a super-sah-weet day. Today was 4 Soda Pops.Thursday-
Dear Diary- I got her work phone number using her member profile and the yellow pages. I called eleven times today and hung up after she said “hello.” She seemed happier to hear from me every time. I’m thinking I should tell her my name. 3 Soda Pops.Friday-
Dear Diary- I’m getting pretty nervous about the dancing tomorrow. Hopefully a lot of my friends will go with me so I’ve got people to talk to. Billy found out where her locker is at work. Should I leave a note? No way…stalker! 2 Soda Pops (Me got butterflies…)Saturday-
Dear Diary- Oh my gosh, I just got back from the club and dancing. The night started slow because not many people show up early, in fact she wasn’t even there until after 10 o’clock! Anyway, all the guys were on one side and all the girls were totally on the other. When “Brown Eyed Girl” came on, all the girls ran to the middle and were jumping up and down and dancing in a circle. I infiltrated the circle: bad. When they pushed me away, I bumped right into my special girl: GOOD. As I was helping dry all the water she spilled on her pants when I bumped her, my hand totally slipped and touched her butt. Then we slow-danced to “Stairway to Heaven” and it wasn’t awkward at all, even in the fast part where people don’t know if they should still slow dance…during that part we just talked about how it would suck to be a diabetic ant, because ants really like sugar. I am the happiest! 5 Soda Pops!
So, as you can see, things are going pretty well so far. I think I’m going to IM her later and put “Do you like me?” on one line and “Or not?” on another with boxes next to them, and ask her to put a check next to one. If she says she does, I might ask if she LIKEY-likes me. Okay, gotta run and watch old tapes of “227” to learn how to be more sassy! Seeya!