Well, I’ve finally done it. Years of almost continuous research; hours upon hours of difficult, mind-bending work; a little blood, some sweat, tears and buckets of vomit later, I have discovered something that will shake the very foundations of science!
You’ve proven evolution is a crock?
Bigger than that.
You’ve proven that after all these years of that whole “the Earth’s a sphere” thing; it is, in fact, actually flat?
Bigger.
You’ve proven the existence of God?
Um, a little smaller than that, but now that my discovery has been placed in religious, scientific, and historic perspective, I shall share it with the world… or at least all those in the world who read this website. So, Bret Runestad of New Canaan, Connecticut, listen up.
Einstein has his theory of relativity, and my theory is (loosely) related to that (second cousins). We’ve all experienced alcohol’s ability to speed up time. You know what I’m talking about. The more you drink the faster time goes.
I felt that this idea held great scientific potential. So, I delved wholeheartedly into the idea that alcohol has amazing powers, beyond those that we as humans have already exploited (e.g. helping those of us who are less attractive to hook up).
The conclusion I came to following my research was staggering.
Long ago, meaning in the 60’s and 70’s, shows like Star Trek and movies like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, gave people the dream that beaming themselves from one location to another instantaneously was possible.
The other night, I accomplished this incredible feet with the help of Jack Daniels, the Black Label, Ol’ No. 7.
(By the way, not to get off on a tangent here, but have you ever wondered why the abbreviation for “number” is “No.”? I mean, there’s no “o” in “number”…)
Anyways, it seems that I was drinking at a bar, then I decided to go home. Suddenly, there I was in my apartment. I don’t remember walking or getting a cab or catching the subway. I was just home.
Now, I haven’t fully researched this theory yet. I don’t know if Jack Daniels is the only alcohol that works. I don’t know if I can beam myself from anywhere to anywhere else, or if it’s just from this one bar to my apartment. I don’t recommend anyone going out and using this power recklessly until I’ve explored every possibility.
Don’t worry. I’ll keep researching non stop. It shouldn’t take long…