Me: You, my dear sir, have no respect for time. You see, Mark is it? You see, Mark, my time is extremely valuable. Extremely. I am never more than five or ten seconds late. Never. And I expect the same of the people I deal with. In fact, I demand it. Individuals are often penalized for tardiness, and rightly so. Well, Mark,this individual will not be penalized, for this individual is punctual.
Which brings me closer to my point! I have here in my right hand a film I have chosen for viewing. The cost for renting said film is four dollars and seventy-five cents. However, you are attempting to charge me nine dollars and fifty cents, double the posted rate. Why? I have understood, through your wasteful blathering, that this surcharge is due to an allegedly late return of Michael Palin’s Brazil, the last film I rented from this establishment and the film I have here in my left hand. You do, of course, realize that you are wrong.
Mark: I’m sorry sir, but the computer says that –
Me: No, stop, before you speak and embarrass yourself by placing blame on a computer, let me nip that in the bud. We all know that computers are infallible. Any errors they espouse are merely echoes of user incompetence. You are the user. Therefore you are wrong.
Mark: Well, sir, I wasn’t the one who –
Me: Again, I must insist you refrain from lowering my opinion of you further, as impossible as that seems. Even if you the individual did not enter the data into said computer, you, a representative of the corporation whose logo you don and whose money you waste on mind altering plants, did. So by “you” I mean the latter. Now accept the responsibility with which you have been graced.
Now, let us abandon digression and get to the issue at hand. On the evening of October 20th, 2002, Michael Palin’s Brazil was due back to this store before the store’s stipulated closing hour of 12:00 A.M. (Anti-Meridian). For the sake of simplicity, I have and shall continue to overlook the fact that 12:00 A.M. (Anti-Meridian) as you mean it is, in fact, October 21st, 2002. This is an issue I will take fault with at another opportunity. However, I arrived outside this store location at precisely 11:57 P.M. (Post-Meridian). I noticed a starkness about the store, a clear indication of the cessation of work. I submit for your perusal a signed, notarized affidavit to this effect. I retained the movie, not wanting to give any indication of my acceptance of this abhorrent business practice.
How, then, Mark, can the film be considered late, when it was robbed on the basic opportunity to be returned on time. To the contrary! It cannot. And for this reason, I must request the late charge be eradicated.
Mark: But, sir, you could have returned it before then and –
Me: Not so fast, Mark. This store closed three minutes early. This gross inconvenience to me (and countless others) cost me not only those three precious minutes, but also the twelve minutes I have been standing here discussing the issue with you. So, truly, you owe me compensation. My hourly rate for new clients is four hundred twenty five dollars per hour. That means I’ll be renting Monsters Inc. and I will owe you negative one hundred one dollars and fifty cents. And throw in that box of Ju Ju Bees. Make it an even one hundred.