Jumpstart Malady, the most influential and important rock group of the late 21st century presents
Running From The Malady
The Ten Greatest Hits of Jumpstart Malady
Gordon Cranwick, keyboards, Hammond organ, backing vocals, car horn.
Thank yous are bullshit. The only person I have to thank for getting me here is me. So, thank me for all my hard work and tolerance of others. Go me with my badass self. I’d give myself more verbal fellatio if it did anything for me. But I have my own page in this booklet for thank yous, so I’ll fill it. Read it. Or not. Whatever.
No thanks to my parents and sister for being generally unsupportive, yet willing to ride the coattails of my success. Hey, Sis, how’s that new job I got for you? Yeah, you’re welcome. I did it so you’d stop asking me for money. Too bad it didn’t work. Interest is compounded semi-annually.
No thanks to my teachers Mrs. Durning, Ms. Winston, Mr. Jimenez, Mrs. Brower, and Dr. Ordavius amongst others, for with your unwavering guidance and encouragement I might have become a productive, happy, and intelligent human being, willing to donate thousands to my alma maters. As it stands, I hate you all, so keep selling that candy. Skip my house. I don’t want any.
And no thanks to all my old “friends”, specifically Alan Forshner, Kyle Maloney, Paul DiNunzio, Larry Traeger, and Justin Hart for graciously allowing me to let bygones be bygones and for forgetting the 18 years they called me “Gaylord Cramdick”. Particular unthanks to Paul, who projected his own raging homosexuality on me in an intolerant locker room. Hey Paul, did I ever tell you I saw you with Marc Blasé after the winter carnival? Whoops, guess I opened the closet door! Get herpes, guys. Type II.
Much nonthanks to the rest of the band, especially Kevin for “writing” all three chords I was graciously allowed to play, and for all my songs that almost made it on the albums. Kev, your talent would fill a thimble if there weren’t holes in it. No thanks to Jimmy Kwan, the music critic who described me as “the Peter Tork of Jumpstart without the comic relief.” No kudos to Sound Engineer, Bill “The Rasher” O’Dell for never turning up the monitor during the recording session of Get Out The House for that Budweiser commercial, resulting in the deletion of my track from the final version of the song and the loss of my retirement fund. Way to drop the ball on that one, Bill. Heard you’re a devout Catholic. Well, God may forgive, but I won’t. Will that keep you out of Heaven? Oh well, them’s the breaks Bill.
No thanks to Vicki Lencewski for laughing in my face when I asked her out. No thanks to Jamie Longo for laughing in my face when I asked her out. No thanks to Jessica Mayner for going to dinner and a movie with me, letting me walk her to her door and lean in for the goodnight kiss, then laughing in my face while an entire sleepover party shrieked with vicious glee. May the only thing you ever birth be yeast. And in your case, Jess, 400 pound spiky yeast.
And finally, if I missed anyone, f–k you.