Few will take issue with the shoddy grammar that runs rampant throughout popular music lyrics. Lucky for you, I do. But I won’t catalogue every tiny instance of incorrect tense or failure to conjugate. Yet. I mean, I might if I get bored. Or fed up. Well, who am I kidding? I’m always fed up. But I’m trying to keep the anger in check. Ok, I’m not. I foster it, nurture it, leave saucers of milk for it. It courses through my veins, keeping my anger batteries at full. I even have an anger adapter for my cell phone. My angry cell phone. Jerk.
But I digress. So there’s this song about Michael Jordan, maybe you’ve heard it. They play it sometimes when he retires. And comes back to a lot of well-deserved hype. And retires. And plays baseball. And comes back to a lot of well-deserved hype. And retires. And plays golf. And comes back to some undeserved hype. Ad nauseum. Not necessarily in that order. Except the ad nauseum part. That always comes at the end and involves some form of reverse peristalsis. Reverse peristalsis is a term I learned from my sophomore year gym teacher. He used it to try to relate to me as a mentally superior yet physically retarded student. It means throwing up, tossing ones cookies, retching, booting, and various and sundry other euphemisms.
But I digress. No, wait, go back a sec. Physically retarded. That’s good. You never hear that. Yet we seem always to differentiate between the mentally retarded and…? And who? Who? Do people say “physically retarded”? I mean, besides me? Are there spiritually retarded people who have underdeveloped souls? I thought we call them lawyers? Exuent, questions!
But I digress. Surprise. What the hell was I saying? Oh, right, I am pissed because that Michael Jordan song says “Sometimes I dream that he is me.” Which, if you think about it, makes no sense. Let me, just for a moment, assume the persona of one speaking these lyrics and completely discuss the situation so as to make my humorous point, apply the leech of over-analysis, and bleed it of comedy:
Sometimes I dream that he is me. By “he” I am referring to Michael Jordan, the great basketball player. That guy really gets my goat. He annoys me so much with his baldness and prowess and battery endorsement that I wouldn’t even wish to have his abilities and success. No, I would rather have him zapped into the body of a nerdy, white guy who sits at a desk all day filling out PCT reports. That’ll show him. And it’d give me greater satisfaction for him to taste my life of mediocrity than for me to experience his success. Because if I wanted to enjoy the benefits of being Michael Jordan, I’d have said “sometimes I dream that I am him.” And it wouldn’t matter if I changed what I said, because it isn’t part of the rhyme scheme.
Thus grammar shows us the way once again. Or maybe not grammar, but specificity. Yeah, I guess grammar had nothing much to do with it. It was specificity all along. Which is important to know, because specificity is the mother of intention.
But I digress.