When I was a wee tike I used to burn the hell out of shit with a magnifying glass. Sun + Magnifying glass = hours o’ fun. You could do it all when you had your trusty magnifying glass: burn holes in paper, commit genocide on ant colonies, finish off the top of your creme brulee (while your sister had crappy cupcakes from her Easy Bake Oven).
These days you won’t find me doing that too much anymore, except at family reunions when my sister is still trying to support her family with an Easy Bake Oven…come on, when it’s time to rub it in, you do it. Nonetheless, I don’t even own a magnifying glass. I think most people would say that they don’t. Guess what folks? Now is the part where you guess what I’m thinking…ready….go!…thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking…
Ha! I bet you just jumped down here without even really thinking, didn’t you? You are a horrible person. You probably did it because of what I am in fact thinking. If you wear glasses, you are already burning out your own eyes! What, do you think the properties of physics cease to exist when sunlight passes through YOUR glasses. Keep that attitude bucko, and you’ll be selling yourself for coke and making crappy Easy Bake cupcakes for dinner while your family complains about their crazy uncle.
No, people, open your eyes and take those glasses off. Every time you go outside, horrible sunlight passes through those death specs and burns away your retina. Why do you think you end up needing better glasses when you get older? Because every day you’re waking up to look at the world recede away from you in apocalyptic horror. Do you know what eschatology is? It’s the study of you wearing glasses.
Word to the wise kids, drop the specs or some day you’re going to wake up to find a skull full of Jello and pudding behind your eyelids! Pudding!
Pudding.