Having recently graduated from college, I returned home in triumph to the house of my parents and the room that I had lived in for my developing years. This return became drastically less triumphant when I remembered that my room was full of the accumulated crap of my first eighteen years of life. The situation got worse when I remembered that I had to add to this the accumulated crap of my four years in college. The situation flat-lined when I realized the incredible ways in which I’d improved in my ability to accumulate crap while away from home.
Consequently, faced with a room that proved to be a breeding ground for many forms of life but unsuitable for the support of mine, the cleaning process began. When faced with a situation as ugly as this, you quickly become quite content to throw out pretty much everything you come across: old toys, notebook after notebook, my high-school diploma, a collection of gold doubloons, and even a small orphan child. All of them off to the dumpster.
However, I did save a few things and today I present you with one of the treasures of this trove. It is the seminal work of a seven year old Bret Runestad and I present it to you today. My Mom and I thought it was pretty darn funny. Maybe it’s just because we both know what an anal, nerdy freak-job I was at seven. Maybe, it’s because this work foreshadows the comedic dull shine (brilliance was too strong of a word) of an older much less anal, slightly less nerdy freak-job.
The Crazy Horse
This book is dedicated to my brother Dain because he plays football with me.
The crazy horse was getting out of bed. “What’s for breakfast?” he yelled down. “Milkyways and chocolate milk.” his mom yelled back. “Yum,” he said, and rushed downstairs and ate his breakfast.
He put on his clothes backwards and went to school. Of course, he forgot his backpack so his mother had to drive to school and give it to him. He thanked his mom. First he went to writing. His writing teacher was Mrs. Moose. The only problem was he stunk at writing. He was lucky he got a D- on the assignment.
Then he had snacktime. After that, he had reading (he liked rading). He had to take out his phonics book and do pages 57, 58, and 59. But he was so good at reading that he was the first one done.
Then they read their core book. He was the first one to read. He read a whole chapter then Sid the Seal read two whole chapters. Then Crazy Horse got mad because Sid read one more chapter than he did. The teacher said for them to both sit down at their desks. Crazy Horse cried.
Sid called him a cry baby. The teacher got really mad and said for them both to stay in for recess. Then two more kids read and it was the end of reading. Then they went to Math. The crazy horse was awesome at math. Today they had a mad minute. He was great at mad minutes.
The teacher passed out the papers and the crazy horse wrote his name on the paper and turned it over. Then all the kids were ready. “Go.” the teacher said. All the kids started to do the problems. The Crazy Horse was the best at mad minutes. “Pencils up!” said the teacher. Everyone’s pencil went up in the air. One kid started crying because he got twenty-nine and was about to write ten on the last problem. Meanwhile, the crazy horse got thirty out of thirty. Then math was over and it was time for lunch.
His mom gave him a peanut-butter sandwich, some potato chips, a can of Diet Pepsi, and some cookies for dessert. After lunch, it was time for recess. He forgot that he had to stay inside and went out to play tag with his friends.
Then suddenly, the first bell rang. But they kept on playing tag. He was so good at tag he was never it because he was so fast.
Then suddenly, the bell rang. All the children began running inside and suddenly, the crazy horse remembered he was supposed to stay in and he bonked himself on the head. He was scared to go to his room. He gulped as he walked in the room but his teacher did not say anything. He wondered why.
He sat down on the rug to hear the story that she was reading. The story was called, “Super Ape.” It was about an ape who could do everything right. Now he was lifting up a garbage truck that was one hundred pounds. He threw it to down on the ground with a crash!
Then the teacher stopped reading and all the children groaned. “Time to have a spelling bee,” the teacher said. The crazy horse stunk at spelling bees. He was afraid if he got one word wrong a bee would sting him. The teacher picked him to be the captain. He hated being captain.
Then it started. The crazy horse was first. The teacher said, “The first word is ‘hello’.”
The crazy horse said, “H-E-L-L-O, hello.” “Wrong,” said the teacher. [Brief adult Bret explanation; at least in our school, it was essential to state the word both before and after spelling the word. As previously expressed I was really anal as a child] Then suddenly, the crazy horse looked around for any bees. He did not see any and snuck back to his desk. He listened to the others do their words. It took about half an hour for them to play. The crazy horse team lost.
The crazy horse hated himself. He felt like a fool. “Now,” she said, “we will have some spooky ‘tails’.” So the teacher got out some tails and all the little kids got on their tails. They pretended to be cats. They meowed and made the teacher’s ears ache. “Stop!’ yelled the teacher.
Everybody froze in their tracks. Their teacher was mad. “Everybody sit down at your desks,” said the teacher. Now we’re in for it, thought Crazy Horse. Now we’re going to sit down and be quiet he thought to himself. And sure enough, the teacher said, “Now everybody sit down and be quiet for ten minutes.” And that’s what they did.
Now the time is 2:00. “Now, everybody,” said the teacher, “it’s time to go outside and get our exercise.” All the children lined up at the door. Then they were dismissed. All the kids ran out to play a game of tag. Chris the Cuckoobird said he wanted to be it. So Chris tired to tag the other kids.
On the second try he tossed Sally Salamander, but then they had to go inside. It was three o’clock and time to go home!
Well, that’s it. I did my best to keep the spelling and punctuation exactly the same and be true to the original work. Even after several readings now I’m still amazed by the subtleties. The radical lack of exposition, climax, or resolution in favor of sticking to an incredibly regimented and linear plotline. The seemingly forgotten capitalization of ‘Crazy Horse’ throughout much of the book that in truth serves to represent the continually lost and regained identity of this fascinating literary character. The subtleties and allusions are many in this great work. I know that the vision of the tossed Sally Salamander will haunt me for days to come.
I hope you enjoyed the story, have a good day, and watch out for those spelling bees.