I know many of you won’t want to admit it, but every once in a while you’ve probably had some trouble with your computer. Come on. Who among us hasn’t ever, I dunno, lost an important backup file? Or, oh say, formatted the hard drive unintentionally? Or, perhaps, clogged the motherboard with mucus? We’ve all gone through these problems time and time again.
Until now.
I present to you: the T.J. Monkey’s Guide To Home Computer Use. That’s right, no longer will you suffer, for I will now show you the light. Follow me. Embrace my knowledge. Bring along a ZIP disk.
I give to thee my lessons three:
Lesson 1: The power of turning your computer off and on.
Though it is not fully understood why, simply turning your computer on and off will solve almost any problem, almost being a key word (see “clogged motherboard” problem above). This is the most common sequence of events when a computer technician comes to repair your PC:
TECHNICIAN
What seems to be the problem?YOU
Well, I was in Word, and I was trying to run a mail merge, but I was using addresses that I’d imported from an old WordPerfect DOS program, and I had to transfer it on this floppy, which I think might have a virus, but it was the only one I had (oh, and the addresses had some weird extra characters because it was a Swedish account) so anyhow, Word shut down, and I tried to go and save the Excel stuff I had open, but then the screen went blank, but not, well, not blank, but like all the background windows went darker, and the foreground ones turned yellow, and I think Internet Explorer downloaded some weird sound file and started playing it repeatedly, and now I can’t open anything, and I can’t find either of those files anymore, and the disk won’t eject, and my IM program keep sending me curt expletive-filled messages from people with screennames like “DaddyNeedsSomeSugar259.” Any ideas?TECHNICIAN
Hmm. (puts his hand on his chin and walks around the computer like it’s a car with a busted muffler)TECHNICIAN then turns off the computer. Waits five seconds. Turns it back on.
YOU
Hey, it’s all back to normal! It’s all fine! You’re a genius! What was the problem?TECHNICIAN
I’m sorry. I’m a genius. And I can’t tell you without using genius type words. Goodbye. (dissappears in flash of fire and brimstone)
Lesson 2: Computer programs made in 2001 are to be run on computers made in 2001.
Yes, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a friend call, and say, “I can’t get that new 3-D, virtual reality, shoot-em-up game to work on my computer!” And then I’ll say, “Oh, really? Do you have a good enough graphics card? Maybe you’re using an older version of Windows. Or have you checked to make sure the joystick isn’t causing any resource conflicts?” And they’ll say, “Well, I dunno, but it’s lame! It’s like this CD doesn’t even fit in to my Atari!” And then I’ll say, “OK, you’re a damn moron, you have to have a new computer to run that game.” And they’ll say, “But, I mean, what’s the difference? I mean, it plugs it the wall, it does stuff on a screen: it’s a computer.” And then I’ll say, “Who is this anyway?” And they’ll say, “Craig.” And then I’ll say, “Craig Roberts.” And they’ll say, “No, Craig Kalantar.” And I’ll say, “Who the hell is Craig Kalantar? How’d you get this number?!” And then they’ll say, “I just dailed it randomly. (sigh) You want me to go?” And then I’ll say, “No. No. I…it’s good to have someone to talk to.”
So, people: if you wanna use new software, buy new computers. And people: call me more often. I’m so horribly lonely.
Lesson 3: An outside source is more capable of fixing your computer than you only because he doesn’t care about it and is not afraid to mess it up. So if you become unafraid of messing up your computer, you will not require an outside source to fix it.
Many times I am asked to fix someone’s computer. Many times it will be a problem with a program I don’t use or a type of computer I’m not familiar with. But often times, I’m still able to make the thing work whereas the computer’s owner has failed. Why? Because I don’t really care. If I decide erasing the entire hard drive might help, I’ll just do it. Who cares? It’s not my computer.
You see, computers are like women. Or, well, let’s say, computers are like all the women in my life: They’re more likely to work for the guy who treats them like shit. If you’re nice to computers, you’ll just have all your important files deleted. If you’re worried about upsetting computers or hurting computers’ feelings, Windows will crash every five minutes. If you take the time to really listen to computers, to respect their boundaries, to not rush things physically, you’ll get told that although they really like you as a friend, they’re going to run off and boink some volleyball player with an earring and a Land Cruiser.
So. Don’t be afraid of messing up your computer. And if your computer completely breaks, don’t wait outside it’s window night after night singing an a cappella version of “Something In the Way She Moves” and filling the guitar solo parts with weepy cries of “I…I need you! (sniff) I need you, Beth!” Also, consult online help documentation.
Lesson 4: Never save your mucus in a big jar and then pour it all over the inside of your computer.
Just trust me.
Well, that’s it! You now know all there is to know about computers. And you also know way too much about my personal life. Now get out there and use that knowledge! In a manner that doesn’t cause me further pain!