Well, I’ve come upon a new theory. I was sitting around on a Thursday afternoon, and where I’m from Thursday afternoons are for new theories. Call us old-fashioned, it’s the way we are. Well, normally these Thursdays aren’t very productive, unless you count the Thursday where I came up with gravity, but then it turned out that had been discovered years ago.
But this Thursday was different. I had a revelation. Not the kind that inspires you to write a cryptic, apocalyptic New Testament book, but rather the kind that drives you to write a “thought” for a comedy group and their up-and-coming website. And what did I come up with? Well, just the miraculous cure-all that’s been sitting right underneath our noses for years!
Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t believe in any psychological mumbo-jumbo. I base my view of the human brain on the amazing spectacle “Cranium Command” at Epcot Center. (You can find that in Future World right near Body Wars) It was there that I heard that giving someone a sugar pill can be just as effective as a prescribed treatment. Then the revelation revealed itself:
Sugar is the miracle cure.
The spoonful of sugar doesn’t just help the medicine go down, it is the medicine. It all makes perfect sense. God’s a nice fella, he wants us to be happy and healthy. He still feels kinda bad about kicking us out of that garden ( I don’t mind, not a big fan of the veggies myself), and so he sets it all up for us real nice and gives us a potent medication and something to sweeten our cofee all in one. Alleluia indeed.
This isn’t just a theory, I’ve put it into practice in the last two weeks and not only have I felt better than ever (in the middle of flu season I might add) but I have done away with two things I’d been looking to remove from my life for quite some time: sleep and my teeth.
So if you’re feeling sorta sick, grab a lollipop and take a lick! Is a fever taking its toll? Munch on a tootsie roll! Struggling with pneumonia? Eat a, uh… skittle. You can be free of all of your ailments and bitter remedies. It’s a sweet, sweet world my friends.