Ripped from the Headlines™©®
By Harris
November 17, 2000
BILOXI, MS – The entire Freeport County High School waits anxiously as the race for student government treasurer has been held up due to voting irregularities at the election/dance recital assembly.
After several days of intense flyering in the computer rooms, library, and student center, Kari Holmes had narrowed the gap between the odds-on favorite, Staton Cureton. Her strategy has been to carry the get-out-and-vote campaign to the intellectuals, nerds, and others who have become disillusioned with the popularity contest of high school student government elections. “I think its cool that somebody is finally standing up to that guy,” said Trey Rosenthal, Vice-President of the Academic Bowl Team. “He has no place in the high school electoral process.” Outsiders are quick to point out, though, that Mr. Rosenthal may still be upset at losing the Presidency of the Academic Bowl Team to Mr. Cureton, despite Mr. Cureton never participating in any Academic Bowl Team activities.
“Staton hasn’t done anything for the Academic Team this year. We even lost our after school homeroom spot to the Football spirit club,” said Academic Bowl Team member Alex Smalling. “But during the election there were a lot of girls hanging around the Team. We even hung out with the cheerleaders once during a lunch meeting. They were wearing their uniforms and everything.” Not everyone, however, is happy with the confusion that Mr. Cureton causes each time he enters another election.
“We worked really hard on our dance recital, with the music, the choreography, and the lighting. I even got my mom to buy a leotard that perfectly matched the set colors,” said Ellen Waters, lead of the FCHS dance company. “And after all this election stuff, I don’t think anyone is going to remember how great I wa- I mean, it was.”
While the treasurer-elect could quell the rising questions about the election system, a winner in the race for treasurer has still not been declared. “It seems that some of the ballots from the freshman class were, uh, misplaced during the school pep rally, which was the same day as the assembly election/dance recital,” said Principal of Freeport County HS, Michael Fester. “Staton was giving his speech before the big game, so the whole school was there, and it seems that one of the teachers forgot where he put the ballots in all the excitement.” With the freshmen ballots still missing, the victor cannot be declared. Based on the current numbers, though, Mr. Cureton holds a commanding lead of 500 votes.
The issue floating around the classrooms and hallways now is what will be the next step for this election-in-limbo? “We have to have another election assembly for the whole school, or at the very least for the freshman class. The fact that so many ballots are missing should be cause enough for a do-over, you know, of the voting,” said candidate for the left, Kari Holmes. “Who knows what the outcome would have been if the ballots hadn’t been lost. We’ll probably never know. So the only fair way to determine a treasurer is to call one of those do-overs.”
However, Kari shrugs off criticism that the freshman class only consists of 427 students. Therefore, even if all the freshman votes were found and counted in Ms. Holmes’ favor, she would still lose the election.
“I don’t think the number is the issue here,” said Ms. Holmes’ campaign manager Adam Elsik. “We’re are talking about violations of an electoral process that has held this school together for the past three decades. And Kari deserves to win. She’s intelligent, she’s hard-working, she’s got this incredible smile, incredible eyes, an incredible nose, she’s perfect, I just, I don’t know why… The point is she’s attractive… an attractive candidate! An attractive candidate to every student. She’s a wonderful person, even though she would never admit it, because Lord knows I’ve told her enough. Yes. Well. And she is the right person for treasurer.”
Mr. Cureton, however, has a different take on the event. “Look, everybody voted already and I won,” said Staton. “I voted and put it in the box, or gave it to the teacher, whatever. I had somebody take care of that. Kari’s just pissed ’cause she lost… one sec. Hey dude, what’s up? Yeah, we’re all meeting up after school. Cool, wait up for me. I just gotta finish talkin’ to this reporter guy.Can we hurry this up?”
While all those involved want to get this resolved as quickly as possible, hurrying up the aftermath of these election problems does not seem likely. The teachers have set a board meeting for tomorrow in order to find a way out of this crisis. Meanwhile, the government teacher is preparing his complaints to present to the board, if they do not act immediately. Regardless of what is accomplished tomorrow, Freeport CHS will not soon forget this student government crisis.
“Yeah, I know I’ll remember how, um, you know, he beat that Kerry girl. It’s freaky man. I think I can get a sick day out of this somehow, really big stuff.”