It came to be on the 33st Christmas, Jesus Christ was reaching that age where some of his childhood Nazarean friends (who knew him before he got all Messianic) kind of didn’t know what to get him for his birthday anymore.
I mean, you used to be able to just buy the guys loaves of bread or fish, but now that he could just create that stuff on his own… what’s the point? And it was a challenge to get him stuff he’d really use. Most anything of value you’d get him, he’d just give to the poor.
But so it was that the people loved Jesus! Everybody wanted to get gifts for Jesus! He was a badass! But what do you get for the guy who has everything? And more to the point, what do you get for the guy who is everything? (Or at least one third of it.)
And so it was that, on this his 33st and final Christmas, Jesus Christ received from his friends many pieces of parchment with inscriptions, and it was made clear that he was to use these parchments later, at his convenience, for bartering with specific local merchants.
Of course, he was very busy being persecuted by the Romans that spring and had little time for shopping, so he sadly passed away before he could actually make it to any of the merchants to redeem his gifted parchments.
And lo, the local merchants saw value in what had passed. They had capitalized on people who liked the idea of gifts but lacked ideas for gifts.
They had just seen a miracle. They had just sold nothing for something. And they looked to God and saw that he was good.
For God had created gift cards.
And they called to Him, “Oh Lord, thank you for these good tidings!” And God said, “Sure thing. And here’s a tip: add tiny expiration dates, and then be a real stickler about them.”
And the merchants rejoiced and they thanked God with gifts of gold and wine, and each brought an animal from their farm.
And God said, “Thanks, dudes! OK, gotta jet-ski. PEACE!”
And there was peace. And there was commerce. And it was good.
* Along similar lines, Jesus actually rose from his grave after three days to dispute a credit card late fee, but that’s more of an Easter story.