I hate when a product says it’s gonna do one thing, but then it ends up not following through at all.

Like I got these “low fat” wheat thins, but I ate three or four boxes of them today, and I’m still totally fat. Arguably even fatter!

And I bought some “omega 3” eggs, and I made and ate six or ten omelets today, but I have yet to receive a copy of episode 3 of the cult British sci-fi show, The Omega Factor. And on top of that, I’m even fatter still!

I did, though, try this “reduced sodium” chicken soup, and after eating 25 to 38 bowls today, I have gained the power to chemically reduce sodium atoms at will.

So if you to increase the oxidation state of any ions let me know. But you gotta bring them ions to me because I am, at this point, seriously, irrevocably, unmanageably fat.