My friend Craig is having trouble with Christmas gifts this year, and he asked me to write a little guide. No problem, Craig!
Well, look: Christmas gifts are tough.
You wanna get something unique, and you want to show you spent time on it.
You want to give something of good quality, and you also want to support local merchants.
You want to find something in good taste, and you want something really personal.
Taking all that into consideration, I’ve determined the worst possible Christmas gift is… porn.
Or to be more specific: store-bought porn. Because the best possible gift?
Homemade porn, Craig.
Homemade porn featuring your wife.
Homemade porn featuring your wife as a demanding, high-powered attorney.
And don’t skimp on narrative; I like a good story. I’m thinking of something like The Pelican Brief meets Moulin Rouge meets porn.
Maybe you, me and Caryn could sit down and talk it through? I hope so!
And please bring over another copy of that photo-based Christmas card you guys sent. I’ve misplaced the first one.
Merry Christmas, Craig!