Last batch, we promise:
- If you ever hear scary music for no reason, pay better attention because you might be about to be killed.
- If you want to get with a girl named Victoria, don’t ask what her secret is, because she’s already heard that one before.
- Ask yourself often, “Whatever happened to good ‘ol fashioned child rearing?”
- Don’t worry if you lose your whey, you probably still have the curd.
- If you’ve got two batteries and a stick of chap stick in your pocket, pay attention or it could get ugly.
- Frequently replace salt licks with cinder blocks and see if anyone notices.
- Keep a list of when you’ve been naughty and when you’ve been nice, and at the end of the year double check Santa’s list. If he’s wrong you’ll have that bitch right where you want him.
- Instead of finding ways to end conversations with people, try just punching them out.
- Watch out for wolverines, they’re probably not covered on any insurance policy.
- Whenever someone asks “Who’s your daddy?” reply “Why Daddy Warbucks of course.”
- Buy Volkswagens and sell them to hippies.
- When performing stand-up comedy routines, sit down. It’ll really f*ck with people’s heads.
- If you have your father’s nose and your mother’s eyes, think about giving them back during this year.
- End every meal with a good shot of Dramamine.
- Try and co-star in a movie with Beau Bridges and Christian Slater.
- Don’t forget to contribute in some small way to evolution.
- Make some “clergy” signs and just stick those suckers everywhere.
- Every time you think you’re in love this year, make sure that you’re not just sitting in a funny position.
- Don’t feel good about going to New England until you go to Olde England.
- If you’re feeling lonely, try schizophrenia.
- If you’re a valet and you feel like you’re out of practice, try to carjack people on the weekends.
- This year, try pickup lines you get from 3rd graders.
- Learn how to say “Back That Thang Up” in as many languages as possible.
- Start a cult of sea-monkey worshipers and praise them hourly.
- Kill any impulses to stay at the Hotel California with the justification that you won’t ever be able to leave.
- Raise the roof daily.
- Translate every Bob Dylan song into English.
- Find out what it’s like to be blind by singing “Superstition” and “I Just Called To Say I Love You.”
- Turn a deaf ear to the words of David Bowie and Mick Jagger and do NOT dance in the street. You could get hurt. You might also get hit by a car.
- Try and watch the sunset more often….with someone sitting on your face.*
- Try something new. Like branding.
- Stimulate your mind. Start with a paper clip and your nasal cavity.
- Let everyone you hate know with flair.
- When seeking fresh breath, avoid urinal mints.
- Remember that swing music is not meant for the playground.
- When driving on the highway make sure you didn’t accidentally get on the on-ramp to hell.
- A flower can bloom, you can’t. Don’t try it.
- If you want to borrow someone’s house, don’t go to the bank and ask for a home loan, it’s something very different.
- Try and convince the Public Transit Authority to change all “Yield” signs to “Yeast” signs.
- Don’t take a date to look at oncoming headlights instead of the starry sky. It will be a short date, and will not be appreciated.
- Try not to pet sharks anymore, it hasn’t been working out so well.
- Don’t feel bad if you want to get on I-95 South, you won’t be forced to convert to the Confederacy.
- The turn signal is a sign of a good heart and a fiery ambition. Use it.
- If your brother’s name is Cain, do your best to distance yourself from him this year.
- Try and change the social structure by driving on the left side of the road. People will appreciate your ingenuity.
- If traffic is bothering you, try installing red and blue flashing lights on your car.
- If Stanford, California is too far away, try Stamford, Connecticut. All the fun, none of the hassle.
- No more rock candy, this year, dirt candy.
- Try and become the mascot of the next millennium.
- Try and come up with anywhere between 1,600 and 27,011 more resolutions.
A Happy Healthy New Year to you all. Yes, even you.