Yet more New Years Resolutions:
- If you’re looking for a higher score, try picking up a stewardess.
- If someone tells you “cool” starts with a “k,” promptly tell them that they’re on “krack.”
- Lowride often.
- If someone says, “Hello my name is…” insert your own answer before they do. We recommend “Poo-Poo Face” and “Stinky.”
- If a water bed is not doing it for you, try sleeping in a bog.
- Remember that a weak handshake is a sign of someone’s willingness to flop around like an invertebrate.
- If you think that you’re turning into Bette Midler, stay away from all beaches.
- If you stay at a Sheraton, remember that they might not share their ton.
- If you think something can be cooked, yah, COOK IT UP!
- Remember, just when you doubt the accordion, that’s when he’ll get you.
- There might not always be room for Jello. Remember that…no seriously.
- If elephants start flying, be a little more optimistic.
- If someone offers to give you “Play”, make sure it’s not the rapper, and if it is, make sure they throw in Kid and a house party.
- If Boris Yeltsin comes to your house, see if you can hide in the basement before he knows you’re there.
- Spell Georgia, “Jo-Jah.”
- Don’t let the fact that it’s a Board Meeting keep you from making it interesting.
- If a pirate asks you to a Board Meeting, make sure he’s not asking you to walk the plank, ’cause that would just be embarrassing.
- Take pictures of stuff you won’t remember, for instance, your back.
- When ordering at Burger King or Wendy’s, place “Mc” in front of every noun or adjective that you use.
- If you have a toothpick, stick it in someone’s food, claiming it for Spain.
- If you kick someone in the head, don’t worry, you probably just thought it was a soccer ball.
- If you stop at a Kiosk on the Autobahn, even though you can’t do the conversion in your head, you’re probably getting ripped off.
- Learn to speak Mexican.
- If you think you’re watching basketball, make sure to double check with a respected authority.
- If your name is Eileen, change it to Shania. Trust us, it works.
- Don’t feel bad if you are caught naked, you’re just clothing impaired.
- Wonder frequently what happened to MP2 and MP1.
- If you are an announcer at a basketball game, don’t growl too much, because people might think they’re at a dog show.
- If you think hilarity is going to ensure, don’t get your hopes up.
- Don’t play at Roy Rogers, but if Roy Rogers wants to play at your house it’s okay, just check with your mother first.
- Have sex in the Champagne Room and when you get in trouble, blame reverse psychology.
- If you want to watch the changing of the guard, we bet Jay Williams would take his pants off for you.
- A cowboy hat is the perfect way to cover a red neck.
- If your last name is Cox, hyphenate it to Cox-Arquette. If your last name is Cock, change your first name to Magic.
- If you need a nap go to the restroom, or line a cardboard box with cotton.
- Make sure that every Friday is a good Friday.
- If you are stuck in the woods and need a knife, try sharp cheddar.
- Don’t start something that you cannot perform with the highest level of mediocrity.
- If your car breaks down and all you know is that you’re in Springfield, don’t even bother calling for help.
- Exercise more.
- If you move to a new apartment and someone says that you need to change keys, they’re probably not talking about music.
- If you’re fat, try to find a way to get phat. May we suggest a mu mu.
- Honk if you think Seth’s Jesus.
- Refuse to pay bridge tolls and instead show them just how buoyant your car can be.
- If your car is a lemon, make sure to fill it with citric acid.
- Before you become a necrophiliac, make sure you really know what that means.
- Remember that if you’re Brad Pitt, that will probably impress people.
- If you wait in line for more than 20 minutes for anything, demand that is be as good as a ride at Disney World.
- If you’re having a really good day, spit in a bottle, because you never know when you’ll need some “good day” spit.
- Try to keep in mind, if you have an “L” on your forehead, you’re a loser. If you have one on your butt too, you might be a Lexus.
To Resolutions 151-200. This way.