There are many traditions associated with the Christmas holiday – presents, Church, making fun of Jews, choking down bad fruitcake, etc. However, perhaps the most prevalent of all holiday traditions is the Christmas tree. A lot of people, however, do not know the true story of how the Christmas tree became so popular. One wonders just what led one man to look at the beautiful, majestic evergreen glistening in the snow and say, “Kill it. And put it in my living room.”
And so, to better aid you in the enjoyment of this holiday tradition, I present you with the story of the Christmas tree as I understand it. However, according to the US government, none of the events you are about to read . . . ever happened.
Our story begins in Germany. Little Billy Krauswiederschaffenschliemannstrasse lived in a small house in the mountains of Germany. He was a typical young German – he laughed, he cried, he invaded France. One day, Little Billy went to play in the woods. He went deep into the woods where he would pretend that pine cones were little people and subjugate them. As he played, an East wind roared through the forest, and a great snowstorm covered the land.
It snowed for hours and soon all around him the forest looked exactly the same. Billy had no idea how to get home. He began to cry and then sought shelter. He huddled under the branches of an evergreen tree and used their shelter to survive the cold, lonely night. The next morning, Billy’s family and the whole town rushed up the mountain searching for little Billy. And lo and behold! There he was, under the shleter of the evergreen tree. Billy woke up and waved to his family and as they ran towards him there was a big crack and the tree fell on him and crushed him into the snow. And everyone hated the evergreen tree. So the Christmas tree traditon didn’t start in Germany, no sir! Nor did it start in England where a band of wandering nuns was crushed by twenty evergreens. Nor in Australia, where a pack of marauding evergreens rampaged through the countryside stealing babies and trampling koalas. No, no. The Christmas tree tradition actually began like this . . .
Once there was this guy and he was trying to think of a cheap way to give his family presents. He had been trying for years. One time, he gave them all snow and told them it was actually magic cotton and if they waited it would turn into water. One time, he gave them invisible gold jewelry. Finally, one Christmas he gave from the heart – on Christmas Eve he went into the woods and chopped down the most beautiful evergreen tree he could. He brought it back to the house and decorated it with tinsel and toys and real candles. Christmas morning, his family woke up and went into the living room and there was the beautiful Christmas tree. One of the chiildren said in awe, “It’s so beautiful!” The other whispered, “It’s magic!” The man turned to his wife and put his arm on her shoulder and said, “Well?” “The curtains are on fire,” she said.
And so, they spent that Christmas in a shelter eating artificial turkey and instant mashed potatoes, but they got a huge check from the insurance company. Soon, this caught on and everyone started putting trees in their houses and getting insurance money. Insurance companies kept saying, “Please! Don’t put trees in your house and light them on fire!!” But it did no good. The Christmas tree tradition was here to stay.
Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. And all that jazz . . .