More New Years Resolutions:
- Demand that all restaurant “hostess”es provide snack cakes.
- Treat all chapped areas frequently.
- Find out why Nancy Reagan won’t return our calls.
- Always remember that power lines do not give you superhuman powers.
- Make up laws and carry out citizen’s arrests concerning their violations.
- Refer to the 90’s as “the forgotten decade” even though we all remember it pretty well.
- Take time out to thank your rearview mirrors.
- Include grapefruit zest in all your cooking.
- Trust the government with their guns so they’ll trust us with ours.
- Only use Twizzlers as straws.
- Petition your favorite college to hire a coach bus as its new football coach.
- Eat more chitlins.
- Remember that if you go to Maryland you’ll probably meet someone named Mary, and you’d better respect her authority.
- Only hook up with girls from Delaware because you’ll never have to go to their house (see Resolution 11).
- Join a country club or four.
- Learn that ballooning isn’t just a hobby, it’s a way of life.
- Keep a spare wheelbarrow tire in your pants because you never know when you’ll need a spare wheelbarrow tire.
- Rename “spare ribs” “necessary ribs,” because we don’t think that pigs are just keeping those things around for kicks.
- Find numbers other than 69 with cool significance.
- Start a neighborhood watch against vague pronouns.
- When meeting famous people (particularly English rockers) make sure to say “hello” before you say “goodbye.”
- Don’t really “Eat the Rich” because the probably taste inky.
- Buy more dog sh*t.
- Hug an engineer every day, using an elaborate rope and pulley system.
- Don’t buy any CD with less than 14 songs because otherwise you’d be getting cheated.
- If you think you’ve found Mrs./Mr. Right, make sure that it’s not just your right hand with a fancy glove.*
- Remember that sour cream is an ample substitute for butter.
- Why ask “why?” Try “wha?”
- Urinate whenever possible because you never know when you’ll have to do your camel impression.
- Live a good 7 to 12 feet from the edge.
- Burn a candle each day for everyone you know named Skippy.
- If you see an eye sore, put ointment on it.
- Never leave the house without your triceps.
- Never leave the house without your forceps.
- Get to know an obstetrician he’ll/she’ll come in handy some day…such as Thursday.
- Circumcise biweekly.
- Always carry a bass drum and use it to fill awkward silences.
- Try and find a garden in the Garden State…yeah, go ahead an try!
- If you forget to use an adverb when appropriate grammatically, spank yourself wildly and confine yourself promptly to your room.
- If you don’t like something, break it.
- Cheat on tests, turn yourself in, and then pat yourself on the back.
- When you’re bored, think about Jessica Simpson cooking naked.
- Remember that “Connecticut” is not “Connectthedots.”
- If you’re scared of the Vermonster, remember it can’t hurt you, it can only give you a cramp.
- If you have to talk to someone you don’t like, fake an epileptic seizure.
- Drive to the horizon and say, “That wasn’t so hard.”
- If a tobacco company tries to take your money and your life, say, “Hey, why don’t you just take my shoes too?!?!”
- If someone gives you a choice between liberty and death, use a lifeline.
- Remember that a fiddle is almost the same thing as an oracle.
- If you get to three digits, ask where the other seven fingers went.
Be off to Resolutions 101-150. Immediately.