In an attempt for self-improvement, T.J. Monkey’s (mostly Seth) has complied a list of New Years Resolutions. The ones marked with an asterisk “*” are not approved of by Bret. Happy New Years!!!
- Only make left turns while driving.
- Visit Czechoslovakia whenever possible.
- Call all women over the age of 70 and under the age of 11 “little darlin’.”
- Only eat foods containing the word “frank.” (e.g. Frankfurter)
- Only get mullet haircuts.
- Paint all fire hydrants silver (for extra panache).
- Date a Dixie Chick.
- Dick a date chick.*
- Accuse all fur trees of pining.
- Refer to all Christmas tree ornaments as “Christian globules.”
- Avoid Delaware.
- Hoard beets.
- Hoard beats.
- Wallpaper using only Britney Spears posters.
- Use highway call-boxes to make local calls.
- Fiend the color aqua.
- Get more New Jersey barriers.
- Pray to Allah more frequently.
- Read everything Danielle Steele ever wrote (including diaries, letters, and post-it notes).
- Make fake ID’s for Sam’s Club.
- Try and get all speed limits changed to 7 mph.
- Say “Yo dat shizit is dabomb diggity” no fewer than 4 times a day.
- Sacrifice a whale on your roof and open a red roof inn.
- Perch frequently.
- Only go to the bathroom at friends’ houses.
- Mulch your kitchen.
- Paint the St. Louis Arch yellow and demand that they open half a really big McDonald’s.
- When hearing a car alarm find the first person you can and remark, “What’s the deal with car alarms?”
- Get a counterfeit handicapped parking pass, because, hey, you don’t want to park there illegally.
- Hang a local Board of Education member in effigy.
- Refuse to look at the American Flag unless Hulk Hogan’s “I Am A Real American” is playing.
- Let it ride on Tuesdays.
- Hang-glide off highway overpasses.
- Refer to station wagons as “ghetto sleds.”
- Write all academic papers in Ebonics.
- Get to know your neighborhood real estate expert.
- When you’re feeling tense remember that the word “tense” can also spell “teens” or “sneet.”
- Instead of using periods at the end of sentences use the letter “q”q
- Practice driver safety using Super Mario Kart.
- See the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet.
- Wear an orange cone on your head and a smile on your face.
- After every cash transaction, convert the total into Dollars Canadian.
- Question the use of binomial nomenclature more frequently.
- On I-76 when you see a sign for Florence, remember, you didn’t accidentally drive to Italy.
- Demand that networks feature Alicia Silverstone more often.
- Smile at police officers, because they might not know that they’re pricks.
- Define all women using titles of Aerosmith songs (Crazy, Amazin’, or Lady Looks Like A Dude).
- Only check messages when there are exactly 20 waiting. If there are more than 20, wait until there are exactly 70.
- Take time to contemplate what makes “Wonder Bread” so wonderful.
- Pee on Yale.
Go to Resolutions 51-100. Now.