There are some lessons that people can only learn from their own experience. No matter how many times people told me not to chew with my mouth full I had to try it for myself. Thirteen innocent people died on that fateful October day because I wouldn’t heed the advice of my elders. Let’s hope you don’t make the same mistake.
Kids, I know a lot of you out there are getting pretty PC literate. You like to spend all of your time sitting there tippy-tapping on the keyboard and clicky-clacking on the mouse and having a flippy-flappy good time. And you get bored sometimes with the Internet or your MP3s and you start playing some of those delightful card games. And you start to dream.
Well kids, I’m here to let you in on a little secret. To my astonishment and great disappointment, I was forced to come to the conclusion recently that chicks don’t dig guys who are amazingly good at PC card games. Look, I’ve got all sorts of charts and graphs and test-tubes to back it up, but let’s face it-we should have known all along.
Yeah, we thought that mastering an inherently anti-social activity would put us at the top of every list of available guys. I mean, c’mon, at one point I won sixty-five straight games of FreeCell! That’s sexy! Yes, originally we were worried that our plan might fall through. How would girls know that we were so good at this very solitary activity? So we solved that problem by telling them. And they didn’t care. We tried to chat them up with our knowledge of the various scoring options and card art for computer solitaire. They were nonplussed.
I know what you’re thinking. You can play Hearts in a social setting with real people! Surely then a girl will have the opportunity to witness your mastery of the shot moon. But pretty soon you’ll start griping about how unbearably slow it is and how you miss your old friends ‘Pauline’, ‘Michele’, and ‘Ben’ and you’ll be ditching that social scene as quickly as you can say your own euphemism for the Queen of Spades.
So sadly if you want to get the ladies you’re gonna have to give up the PC Card games. Give them up, and give in to the mind-numbingly boring but thoroughly erotic Minesweeper. That rhythmic clicking? Zazazooey!