This is a test of you, the T.J. Monkey’s reader. Look at the title of the Thought! If you clicked on it you almost surely expected to download a horrible virus that will ruin your computer. In fact, I’ll tell you straight out: you will download a virus shortly. If you leave the page after this paragraph, you may save yourself. But then maybe, just maybe, it isn’t a virus but rather the funniest Thought that has ever been produced by T.J. Monkey’s! It’s Christmas Morning, and Evil Santa Claus has just handed you a present. It’s probably Donkey Eyeballs, but it could also be Star Wars Legos! So readers, the time of truth has arrived! What’s it gonna be?!
Oh, you dangerous So-and-so. You’ve still here! I guess right now you need to be asking yourself this: “Have I just downloaded a virus that is ravaging my computer at this very moment or have I just moved to the second paragraph of the funniest T.J. Monkey’s Thought of all time!?!”
If you acted now and shut down your computer you’d be able to save a significant portion of your hard-drive. But then again this Thought’s just starting to get good! Uh oh, maybe you just quickly glanced down and noticed the paragraph by John Grant. I mean, am I kidding? John Grant, the greatest writer of the early era of T.J. Monkey’s, a man who hasn’t written anything in months. Oh, you’d like a taste of that sweet candy again! But you wouldn’t want to have all of the files on your computer erased and replaced with text documents that say “Hey Stupid, why didn’t you heed the warning! You’re a Moron-head!”
Haha! This paragraph is just a distraction paragraph to prevent you from quickly getting to the paragraph written by John. The virus will completely destroy your computer by the time you get to that incredibly funny part of this Thought and so you’d probably skip to the next portion but at the same time perhaps this is the really funny part here that you wouldn’t want to miss but, uh oh, on top of all that I’ve made this a long, confusing, run-on sentence that is difficult to read and you’re probably gonna have to go back and reread it because you didn’t really understand any of it and maybe in you’re not understanding it you’ve missed the funniest phrase ever written by a T.J. Monkey’s writer but if you go back and reread it you’ll certainly have allowed the virus to take its death grip on your computer. I laugh a demonic laugh!
PARAGRAPH BY JOHN GRANT:
Here are some incredibly intelligent and insightful things that I’ve noticed being the incredibly intelligent and insightful person that I am. Get ready for some great humor surrounding literature and politics and smart things. uh, oh, this isn’t really John, it’s still me Bret! And you’re not getting smart comedy, I’m just gonna whine about how I don’t have a girlfriend. And what I’m really gonna do is distract you while the virus enters its final stage of computer destruction. But maybe, just maybe I will actually write the funniest thing you’ve ever read.
This is the final paragraph, will it be funny or a virus! Haha, it was a virus! You fools, enjoy your now useless computer. I hope you always wanted a really expensive paperweight!
(Porter: Hey man, here’s my latest Thought. It’s kind of a crazy Andy Kaufman thing where we actually give everybody who reads it a nasty computer virus. Anyways, I’m not a real computer guy as you know, so if you could just cook up some sort of time-delay virus that erases people’s hard-drives and stuff that’d be great. Cool man, otherwise it really wouldn’t be funny at all. OK, well I guess I’ll see you at rehearsal where we perfect our improv technique for the hilarious show that we put on that everyone should go see regardless of whether they’re in the greater New York area. And you know, if you wanna go get a sandwich sometime too, give me a call. -B)