As this time of year comes around, millions of children worldwide get a certain twinkle in their eye. They also get a little bloodshot, bags under their eyes, and track marks – but that’s more than likely heroin-related. Anyway, the twinkle part comes from the anticipation of Columbus Day. As we all know, Columbus Day is a day that celebrates the beginning of the suppression and mass destruction of uncivilized races – or, as white people like to say, “everyone else in the entire world except us.”
One year, though, there almost wasn’t a Columbus Day. This was because the TV networks who make holiday specials realized that there was no potential in Columbus Day specials. Sure, they tried “Garfield’s Columbus Day Special” in which that zany orange cat ends up on the Santa Maria and eats lasagna and sleeps. And he’s fat! Ha! Then there was the classic Columbus Day episode of “Full House” in which the Olsen twins meet little Johnny Chen down the street and exterminate his family and live in their home. Oh how we laughed… and learned.
But Columbus Day ratings were the pits. Let’s face it, how do you attract viewers when they’re all out at the bars – drinking the month old, plague-riddled water, searching desperately for land, and vomiting over the side of the bar – just like the sailors of old? And so, Columbus Day was almost cancelled! Just like that! I mean, who does things like that?!
Apparently, no one, because frankly no one could figure out who to call to get the holiday cancelled. Oh sure, they tried calling the government, but Columbus Day is a federal holiday and who in the government was going to cancel a paid day off?! Not me, that’s for sure! And I don’t even WORK in government. I am the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
So, really, when I said it “almost” wasn’t, I of course meant no such thing. It was a ploy to grab you and involve you in the story. And you fell for it! Suckers! Well, there you go – that’s what you get for judging a story by its title. Wait, wait… we’ve gotten off track here.
So the networks said, “Fine, fine, we’ll just tell kids that Columbus crossed the ocean in three ships that turned into robots and was accompanied by magic animals and little anime children.” It worked for them and the Education Department, who have pretty much given up where children are concerned and spend their time doing jello shooters and making up sexual acronyms for “SAT.” The End.
And so Columbus Day escapes yet another scare. Stay tuned for next year’s exciting action packed story: Columbus Day 2: Columbus in New York.
Happy friggin’ Columbus Day.