One of the distinct pleasures of being Senior Writer on Religious Stuff here at T.J. Monkey’s is the opportunity to correspond with some pretty amazing figures. And when I was recently contacted by the Angel of Death the first thing I did was thank the Lord I’d been given the opportunity to really get to know a figure who is both fascinating and mysterious. Well, truth be told at first I started crying and peed myself and lamented that such a promising life would be cut so short. Then when he told me that it wasn’t my time to die but rather that he just wanted a chance to talk to the T.J. Monkey’s readers, I gladly told him I would allow him to do so. And so, it is a true pleasure to now turn over my laptop to allow the Angel of Death to address you personally:
Hey everybody. Well, thanks to Bret for the warm introduction although I would like to make some corrections to what he said. First of all, my name is Steven. Yes, my occupation and my role in the cosmos is that of the Angel of Death but I don’t go around calling people Bank Teller or Unemployed Writer for a Random Comedy Website. The other misconception being that I only show up at places to kill people. Sure, if you just got hit by a bus and I show up, well then yeah, but what do you expect? But if you’re just sitting around playing Hungry Hungry Hippos and you see me looking in through the window, it’s probably just because I’m entertained by earth’s simpler pleasures. The commute to heaven is a real pain and if I’ve got a death at one end of town and one five minutes later at the other end, well I’ve got five minutes to kill in that town. Okay, wait I phrased that poorly.
Here’s my big problem: when everybody hears about me, immediately they start harping on the DEATH part of the title. I’m still an angel! A lot of people get really excited about seeing angels. We’re heavenly creatures! We’re the evidence of God’s unceasing interest in and care for His Creation. Darn it, Touched By An Angel was a really popular TV show for a while! We can’t all be the Angel of Candy or the Angel of Kittens. Oh yeah, you all get really excited when they show up, don’t you? Well, let me tell you something they are the laughing stock of Heaven. Well, actually we really aren’t allowed to make fun of anyone in heaven, but when Gabriel and I are chilling out down here we usually have a few choice words for the “Pansy Angels”.
On top of all that, I go out of my way to make things a lot easier for you people. A lot of people see me and say, “Hey what’s the Angel of Death doing carrying around that choking puppy! He must be trying to kill it! Waaaah, he’s so mean!” Well, first of all I’m only in charge of human deaths so I have no ill intentions in mind. Secondly, do you know how many people whose fates were extremely questionable are in heaven now because of my ‘resuscitate the choking puppy’ maneuver? A lot. God is a big sucker for people who save puppies.
Basically what I’m asking here people is that you treat me like you would any other Heavenly figure. Maybe if you see me walking around, take a little time to chat me up. Go to a bar with me for a drink. Hanging around so many Retirement Communities I’ve become a big fan of shuffleboard and I welcome all challengers. Got my own pushing stick and everything. So please, just treat me like one of the guys. My name’s Steven and I really look forward to getting to meet a lot of you. Unfortunately I’ve gotta run as some kids outside Bret’s apartment have found my Pale Horse. And no, I’m not going to kill them. Yet.