It occurred to me recently that while we here at T.J. Monkey’s make the logical assumption that all of our readers can read, we have also made the less logical assumption that our readers have been trained to read our comedy writing. Not to worry, the training process is very simple and hinges around one basic idea. If we make fun of something, it in no way applies to you.
Sometimes this works out really easily. For instance, if I were to say that all Eskimos smell like blubber and you were not an Eskimo (since site statistics reveal that very few Eskimos read the site), it would be very easy for you to not be offended by said statement. You could have a good hearty laugh at those smelly Eskimos, knowing that you smell perfectly fine.
It can get more tricky. For instance, what if I said that New Jersey is undeniably the worst smelling state in America and that when I drive through it I often feel like I want to throw up? See, it’s a little harder because it’s perfectly possible that you could live in New Jersey and that as such you might get offended by my comments about your home state. Well, the trick here is that I’m talking about all of the parts of New Jersey that you DON’T live in. Where you live smells perfectly fine, actually more than fine if you think about it. And it’s probably because you smell so wonderful yourself that your wonderful smell has spread and improved the surroundings around you.
To put it simply, if I say “New Jersey smells awful,” what I’m really trying to express is how much better you as an individual smell than most of the known universe.
Now what if I say something really specific like “Ebenezer Stifflestein from Westport, CT smells really, really bad. So bad that not only do I feel like I’m going to throw up, I actually do throw up. I throw up on Ebenezer Stifflestein and the next time I see him he smells even worse because he bears the additional stench of my having yarfed on him.” If your name is Ebenezer Stifflestein and you live in Westport, CT you can be 100% sure that I am NOT talking about you. I am of course talking about the other Ebenezer Stifflesteins from Westport. You, Ebenezer are practically a deity in the world of sweet- smelling odors.
I hope that this clears up some of the confusion and possible hurt feelings that may have arisen from our humorous writings. In the same way, we assume that any previous letters of complaint we received were obviously directed to some other small comedy website also called T.J. Monkey’s. We are currently looking to find the people behind that site in conjunction with what we consider to be some pretty flagrant violations of copyright law.
I hope this has put your mind at ease. Feel free to go back to sweating fragrant perfumes and pooping flowers.