Many people live their lives by The Golden Rule:
Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do To Unto You
I used to think this was a good practice. It seems like a good idea. Be nice to people, and they’ll be nice back. You’re nice, he’s nice, she’s nice, we’re nice, they’re nice. Everybody’s nice.
But there’s a hidden cross-section of the population for which The Golden Rule does not function properly. That’s right, a small, yet potentially substantial subset of the populace that should not do unto others as they would have them do unto them. No, wait, a subset that should not do unto others as they would have those others do unto them. Ok, a subset whose members should not do unto others outside that subset as the members of said subset would have the others outside said subset do unto said members of said subset. There.
I’m talking about masochists.
This is where The Golden Rule breaks down. No one wants a masochist doing unto them what that masochist would want you to do unto him. And unfortunately, no, make that fortunately, yes, fortunately, fortunately, masochists blend right in with the rest of us. They don’t walk around in leather singlets, self-flagellating while they asphyxiate on live sea urchins. In public, anyway. Not even in New York. So we never know who amongst us is a masochists, ready to prey upon our non-pain loving sensibilities with The Golden Rule.
Picture it; you pick up and return some guy’s wallet and he shoves saxophone reeds under your fingernails. You hold the door for a lady and she responds by rubber banding a plastic bag around your head and tying your wrists together with piano wire. “Please sir, have my seat on the bus” is met with headphones super-glued to your ears from a solar powered CD player pumping out a scratched copy of Celine Dion’s latest. In Alaska. And it’s summertime.
How can we avoid this? I’ll tell you; don’t practice The Golden Rule! In fact, a more accurate question would be how have we been avoiding it? And a more appropriate answer; by not practicing The Golden Rule! If you’ve never been injured by someone without provocation, you’re on the right track. Selfish Bastard? Ha! More like Keen Survivor! It’s true that nice guys finish last. Why? Because the masochists pin their feet to the ground with circus tent stakes! Ayn Rand, where are ye now?
I’m not suggesting you can’t be nice anymore. You can be nice; nice and selfish! No, but seriously folks, the world is different now than it was. You can’t just go around being nice to people you don’t know well. You will get hurt. You need to be acquainted with people well enough to know whether or not they enjoy inflicting pain upon themselves. Otherwise, it’s just not safe.
Perhaps one day, one day soon, we’ll have readily identifiable badges that masochists will be forced to wear for the good of others. Sure, the ACLU will be up in arms, but once they see how much nicer everyone will be to one another, they’ll change their tune. Manners trump Civil Liberties.
But until then, I guess I’ll have to stay a mean and selfish prick.