In New Jersey, it’s against the law to pump your own gas. I’m not sure what the punishment is, but I’d imagine answering the obligatory “What’re you in for” with “Pumpin’ gas” would automatically make you someone’s bitch. A fine is more likely, but less funny.
To prompt New Jersey lawmakers to prohibit gasoline self-service, one or more of the following had to occur:
1. Unemployment had to be extremely high, combined with a serous lack of any desire to improve the state in any way (i.e. new rest stops, cleaning of roadways, dredging of beaches, etc.)
2. People in New Jersey had to be (at the time) so severely stupid because of either:a. Terrible schools; or
b. Tritium in the waterthat they either:
a. Couldn’t figure out how to use the pump and thus needed trained professionals to do the job correctly; or
b. Had an exorbitant amount of accidents (i.e. explosions, blindness due to drinking, accidental hanging with the hose, etc.)3. It was someone’s idea to help alleviate class struggle by have everyone get served at the gas station instead of only the few.
4. Too many New Jersey State senators actually believed the inter-Senate joke email about the gas station attendants lobby and the free hookers.
Whatever the actual cause, it’s too late now. It’s the law. And you can’t repeal it. I mean, it’s not Prohibition or anything.
Outlawing the self-service island is all well and good, but where do we draw the line? It’s only a matter of time before there are specific coffee technicians at 7-11, who majored in pouring at Ramapo Community College, and vending machine associates who doubled in pressing buttons and exact change at County College of Morris.
Can we, the good, freedom-loving people of the United States continue to allow New Jersey to deny everyone within its borders those certain unalienable natural rights? The right to pump gas the way you want to. And soon, maybe, the right to pour coffee in your own way or press the Sprite button however you want to? The answer is no, we can’t. Because of we do, if we let them, you mght as well start paying someone to wipe your ass (after having majored in two-ply technology at Bergen Community College).