Maine is so gosh darn neat! Yeah, I’m talking about Maine, that little state that looks like a kangaroo head all the way up north. Beautiful forests, charming towns, and a coastline to write home about! And what nice people, but what would you expect from a place whose state bird is the Chickadee, state insect is the Honeybee, and state fossil is Pertica quadrifaria!
But one thing about Maine really squishes my blueberry*. Did you know that in most parts of Maine, stores won’t sell you alcohol unless you have a Maine State ID? Not even wine coolers! They suggest you pop over to the nearest town office and get yourself your very own Maine State ID for only $5.00. Now, I’m into collecting different state IDs as much as the next guy (especially when it’s as classic as the Maine State pre-hologram laminated cardboard!), but when it’s Friday evening and you really want to get wild with the Boon’s, you don’t want to wait. You’re on vacation. And Maine is Vacationland! It says so on the license plate! Why don’t they just sell you the goddamed booze and tax the moose** terds out of it, help speed along the construction on the only major roadway that has more than one lane! Move that Chesuncook soil***… Vacationland! Should I be denied booze on my vacation! Oh, who are they kidding? Maine is Vacationland for people from New Hampshire!
I apologize for that. That was just my frustration eeking out, sort of like a scaked down version of John “Jack” Torrance from The Shining (written by Maine’s very own Stephen King). Here is John! I did a stint in a community theater. Anyhow, I guess my Maine (haha – just like, um, well, no comedians have come from Maine, but Liv Tyler did!) point was that Maine should sell alcohol to tourists, since it makes so much economical sense. I just love Maine so much that it took me a while to get to it. But who wouldn’t love a state who’s reared that famous sports personality Joan Benoit Samuelson!
* Maine state berry
**Maine state animal
***Maine state soil (no, really)
Ed. Note: No piece on Maine would be complete without mentioning lobsters. So…lobsters.