On Cool Mint Listerine PocketPaks

Dear Mr. Barrison,

Thank you for inquiring about Cool Mint Listerine PocketPaks, the new mint oral care strips that dissolve instantly in your mouth, killing %99.9 of bacteria that cause bad breath in 30 seconds! Please find enclosed a coupon for a free Cool Mint Listerine PocketPak!

In response to your questions, the Cool Mint Listerine PocketPak is a multi-patent pending product. It was developed by an extensive team here a Pfizer. It was not, we repeat not invented by an LSD freak trying to figure out a way for him or her to “drop tabs” in a socially acceptable manner. We do admit that the process of experiencing the Cool Mint Listerine PocketPak strips closely resembles taking LSD (or Acid, as you refer to it) to the best of our knowledge, since both involve putting a small thin square on your tongue. No one in the Cool Mint Listerine PocketPaks team has any first-hand knowledge of the hallucinogen’s psychedelic intrigue. None of us has ever experienced a “trip” where the knowledge tastes like purple and the music looks like salty! No one had a medieval banquet with F. Murray Abraham, Spiro Agnew, and Alf suspended 20 feet above a Port-A-John in the parking lot of a Schenectady, New York Blockbuster Video store!

Additionally, while theoretically possible, we would not advise soaking Cool Mint Listerine PocketPak strips in LSD. There might be a strange reaction between the amide group of the LSD and the menthyl salicylate which causes the tongue to uncomfortably swell and dry out. However, if you find a way to successfully subvert this problem, please let us know immediately!

Once again, thank you for your interest in Cool Mint Listerine PocketPaks! We hope we have answered your inquiries to your satisfaction, and we appreciate your interest in our product!

Sincerely,

Consumer Drug and Product Division