Today, on the subway, I made eye contact with a very beautiful half Hispanic, half Phillipino woman who was standing near the front of the car. Now, you may be asking yourself, how could Nupe, most imperceptive of people, possibly ever know the exact ethnic origins of anyone, let alone someone standing across an entire subway train? Did he (God forbid) go up and talk to her? Did he ask her where she was from and perhaps, as so many cheesy movies go, question as to whether they had met before? Did he go so far as to steal a piece of her hair, run back to his biochemistry lab, run a two-dimensional karyotyping gel on a background of wildtype Phillipino and Latino?!? As a matter of fact, I did. I’m really quite good at biochemistry… But that’s really besides the point. I just knew, ok?
She kind of glanced at me, and I, in turn, glanced back, trying to convey the message, “I like your pants.” Not in any sexual way, but in a way suggesting, “Hey, the two of us can both appreciate good trousers.” She responded, by googling her eyes and squinting, ever-so-slightly, in a way that hinted, “You were just looking at my ass, weren’t you!?”
I got scared. I was looking at her ass. Who was I kidding? I mean, really, I don’t know anything about pants! I quickly moved my eyes back to the newspaper, hoping that she wouldn’t levy yet another restraining order on my already restraining-order-filled rap sheet. I tried focusing on an article about Boston’s city council, but…but…it was sooo boring, and this girl, the girl, she was calling out across the train, I could almost feel her hazel eyes boring into the back of my head. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was time to go back in.
On a whim, I tried to catch her gaze, give her another look, this time, I gave her the one-two punch of the “Hey, weren’t you in my History of Southeast Asia class at B.C.?” look and the “Do you think the Pats will start Brady with Bledsoe healthy again?” look. Somewhat intelligent, and yet quizzical, I got the response I was looking for.
She furrowed her brow, looked deep into my eyes, and started to walk towards me. This was it! I was finally going to meet the girl of my dreams! She kept on staring; it was like she was looking into my soul! She raised up her arms as if to give me a hug, and I, longing for female attention, raised my arms and closed my eyes to meet her. Then, just as she was about to meet my gentle carress, she hugged some other dude standing behind me, and I ran into a pole.
I got off at the next stop to hide my shame. It was still 10 stops away, and I was out of subway tokens.
It was a long walk home that night, but I learned a valuable lesson. Never talk football with a girl who clearly knows nothing about sports.