As everyone recovers from their rowdy Columbus Day celebrations, I thought I would take a moment to remind everyone just why we celebrate that brave explorer who crossed the oceans in search of . . . um . . . spices.
Columbus Day (great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather of Sandra Day O’Connor) started off in Spain where he gained a reputation for going arond and telling people that the world was round. He was sued over the intellectual property rights to this claim by Copernicus, but no one really cared. Many people believed the world was not round – especially the Pope who announced, “People who believe the world is round are going to go to hell to be tormented eternally for their sins. Thank you for your attention, you may return to your regularly scheduled torment of Jews.”
Columbus Day, however, was undeterred and so he went to the people in charge of Spain and said, “Yo, this flat-earth stuff is bull. Let me take three ships and prove that I can sail around the world and find India.” The Spanish, however, thought that the concept of the world being round was ludicrous and after much consultation they returned to Columbus and said, “Mr. Day, we have decided that sending a bunch of guys on a suicide mission is WAY to risky for us.” It was at this point that the world pretty much gave up on Spain as even remotely important except in the manufacture and export of things which are often confused with Mexican stuff. Or something.
Luckily, Portugal got on board the Columbus bandwagon because of the endless marketing potential. They gave Columbus three ships, “El Nina,” “Pinto,” and the “Santa Fe Chicken” and told him to head off to India as fast as possible. They then immediately began developing an advertising campaign to kick-off the event and, due to the nature of sea-travel, Columbus’ trek soon became dubbed, “Vomiting Your Way to India!” Columbus action figures with Kung-fu grip and working telescope accessory soon appeared on the market and even a Saturday morning cartoon show called, “Teenage Ninja Columbus” in which Columbus and a gang of Spanish people travelled in around in a boat called “The Mystery Trireme” and solved mysteries.
Meanwhile, Columbus actually got to go on his trip but he and his wife were constantly bickering about it. She would insist that they were going the wrong way and that they should have stopped and asked for directions at the last rocky atoll, but Columbus would say he knew better and that they were “making good time.” Meanwhile, the crew was often fighting because some weren’t staying on “their side” and so Columbus often would have to pull the boat over and yell at everyone and Mrs. Day would then hand out crackers and juice boxes and after wiping everyone down with some wet towlettes, they would move on.
Finally, they arrived in the West Indies and some believe the actual exchange went something like this:
Columbus: After months and months of absolute hell, we have finally arrived in India.
Crew: This doesn’t look like India.
Columbus: I SAID, we have finally arrived in India.
Crew: Right. India.
And here they settled down to visit, but several of the crew had homework to do back in Spain and a few just wanted to get back early and so after half an hour they all got back in the boats and went home.
Happy Columbus Day.