I think about what I’m doing in my life a lot, and I’ve decided that it all boils down to the fact that I really just want to have an attractive child. From here on out I think most of my life decisions will be geared toward that goal. Now, I’m not a superficial person, I’m sure that Britney Spears has “opinions” and shit, whatever, you know, it’s just that I want my kid to have the best life possible. Let’s face it, the pretty people have an easier life, especially the pretty women.
When you’re hot you can do all sorts of things and not be questioned, like jaywalking. I mean, what the hell? Pretty people just jaywalk all the damn time, you don’t see anyone stopping them. When you’re hot, you get to wear hot clothes and people say, “Oooh, she’s wearing Prada, she looks good.” When you’re ugly you can’t wear shit unless it’s from Bargain Basement. Go ahead and try, listen to the comments, “Ha, look at the chick, just fooling herself. Like she could ever look good in Banana Republic. She couldn’t look good in a republic of people that looked like bananas.”
When you’re hot you don’t pay for shit. If a hot woman buys a drink, fifty guys instantly think, “Shit, she was thirsty, I didn’t see it, damn it, I’m so stupid.” Then they buy her eight drinks to compensate for their stupidity; fifty guys, eight drinks a piece, she gets 400 drinks. When you’re hot you can misuse the English language and people will say, “That’s cute….she’s not very smart.” When you’re hot people will help you move things, like heavy boxes. I cannot conceive a worse activity than picking up a heavy thing and moving it from one place to another place, and we do this at the drop of a hat just for the chance to talk to an attractive person.
When you’re hot you can drink a cup of coffee in a cafe and look like you’re in a magazine. When you’re ugly, you have to drink coffee to avoid being uglier. When you’re hot, no one questions your choice of swimsuit. When you’re ugly, people hope that you cannot float. When you’re hot, anything you do is perceived as “cute” or “sexy.” Everyone else is just busy saying dumb things.
I’m not saying that I agree with all this discrimination, I love hot people. They make the world a prettier place to live, and make me sexually frustrated. Really, though, I love all people and always will…except my child if she’s ugly. She’s gonna have to work on that.