Why do you all hate me?
What have I done to offend you? I mean, of all the parts of speech, I feel the most passive hostility.
Admittedly some of my kin are a bit more essential than I. You couldn’t have a predicate without a verb, and without nouns we’d have no subjects or objects. But you all use adjectives with no difficulty.
You love adjectives. Beautiful, wonderful, easy-to-use adjectives. The adjective and I are like brothers. Well, more like cousins. He’s the lovable simpleton whereas I am the sophisticated loser. He gets to describe nouns, while I am left to describe verbs. That’s why I am named adVERB. I suppose they came up with that after naming him. I mean, what the hell is a “jective”?
But I do my job. I do it splendidly, if I do say so. I know most of you are non-believers in the adverb. You don’t feel you need to use it. You use the adjective instead, figuring the meaning will come across. Not so. Take this example, from everyday life:
Bill: Sorry I’m late. This guy in front of me was walkin’ slow.
Ted: Really? On a leash?
Bill: Huh?
Ted: Well, you said he was walking Slow. I assumed you meant he was walking his pet turtle, Slow. I once had a turtle named Lethargic. Oh, the fond memories!
Bill: No, no, no. The guy was walking slow. At a slow pace. Not fast.
Ted: Oooooh! The guy was walking slowly! Why didn’t you just say that?
Bill: I thought I did.
Ted: Tisk, tisk, William. You should learn, quickly, about the adverb.
Had I been employed, this terrible situation could have been avoided. But, as usual, you people choose to use the adjective. Why? I just can’t understand it.
Is it because I have an extra “ly” tacked on? They are just two letters; the same as “uh” or “um”, and certainly less than “like” or “y’know” which you employ far more often than even the adjective. So what is it?
Look, believe me when I tell you, the “ly” is worth the trouble. In fact, it’s a message from me to you. Most people don’t know it, but the “ly” stands for “love ya”. Now, I don’t mean to libel, but the adjective has nothing. No “love ya”, no “appreciate it”, not even a simple “thanks”.
So please, love me as I love you. Yes, I’m needy, but in a good way. Help me help you. Help me help you!
QuickLY!