Here at T.J. Monkey’s, we are blessed. We are blessed because we have a forum with which to express opinions to the huge masses of people who read the site each and every day (re: Bret and some girl named Nikki). And that’s why today, I take a break from my usually hilarious, off-beat, quirky fiction, and delve into the realm of the Public Service Announcement.
Today’s Public Service Announcement:
Attention! People who go to the rock and roll music concerts that take place in smallish venues: You are going to be crowded.
Yes, you see, when you go to a concert, in a little club that can fit about 100 people, and about 120 people show up, there isn’t a lot of space. So, often you will be in very cramped quarters, and people may bump into you, or step on your foot, or push you a bit. This occurs a lot at concerts because sometimes…some people dance! I know, this is also very shocking. I mean, what are these people thinking?! Going to concerts isn’t about dancing and enjoying the music! It’s about standing around and staring blankly at the band and paying a lot for alcohol, so later you can tell other people that you were there. I don’t know what kind of drugs these “dancing” people are on, but it’s probably not the “cool” kind.
Anyway, when you go to a concert, you’re going to get bumped and pushed and shoved a bit.
Apparently many of you do not know this. Apparently this news will come as quite a shock to a great deal of the concert-going community. And apparently many rock and roll fans have severe spatial relations problems because half the time I bump into someone at a concert, I get one of three responses:
- The Look of Death (wherein someone is trying to disembowel me simply by staring at me very hard with an annoyed look on their face)
- The “Excuse Me?” (wherein someone is trying to imply that I should’ve said “excuse me” by saying “excuse me” to me in a very whiny voice; very effective)
- The Reverse Bump (a throwback to the “eye for an eye” rule of law wherein some attempts to bump me the same way I bumped then so I “get a taste of my own medicine” and hopefully “learn my lesson”)
So listen up everybody, and listen up good: I’m not bumping into to you on purpose; there’s just no room. And you know what else? You’re bumping into me too. I’m just not a dick. So wipe that stupid-ass surprised/shocked look on your face every time my elbow grazes your back.
I mean, I guess I’m just wondering, have you ever been to a concert before? You didn’t buy a seat, OK? Your ticket says “General Admission” just like everybody’s. You didn’t buy some finite sphere of personal space around you. You just bought the right to be in the room. That’s it. And if you don’t want to be bumped and pushed then go to the back of the freakin’ room. There’s tons of space back there! Tons of it! Or here’s an idea: don’t come to the concert! Stay at home! Or better yet: go to the nearest state park and find a big field! You can run around and spread out your arms and have as much space as you need! Yippee! Woo hoo!
But you really must stop standing in front of me at concerts and getting pissed when my foot hits yours. Because you know what, my foot’s gonna hit yours. I just can’t help it. The guy behind me spilled his beer, and the girl next to me almost burned me with her cigarette, and everybody in the entire crowd is jumping up and down, and for a brief second there, remembering not to smudge your Vans was not priority number one for me.
As a final note, many of you people who are annoyed by the close quarters of a concerts seem to be girlfriends of guys who don’t really mind it at all. If you girls could stop reading for a second, I have a message for the guys: Dump these girlfriends. Now. They are lame and obviously don’t share your interests. I’m not a psychologist, but I am a humor writer and therefore qualifed to make life decisions for you. Dump them. Now. Over the phone.
All right, well, I think we’re all set now. I’ve gotten my message out.
Thus Endeth Today’s Public Service Announcement
So. Now everyone who reads this site now knows what’s up. My next concert experience will probably be perfect.
As long as I’m standing next to Bret and Nikki.