I have lived in New York for about 10 months. Many say that New York is a dazzling city of opportunity–a place where dreams can come true in a glistening metropolis of the future. I say it is a rotting, festering, God foresaken hellhole. You say potato….
There is no way to describe New York in a single word. You can only truly experience it, I suppose.
To describe the people of New York I think it is best to say this: take the biggest jerk you know and the biggest idiot you know, multiply them by 4 million and cram all those people into a few sqaure miles of concrete and steel. That’s New York.
A lot of people praise New York for its wide variety of cultures. People from all walks of life walk its street and people from all the countries of the world. Jerks from all countries of the world, that is. Yup, jerks, jerks, jerks. In New York no one thinks twice about standing in, say, a church and holding a loud, profanity-laced conversation about the herpes they picked up the other night at a club.
People in New York love to be loud and they love to swear. Men swear, women swear, old people swear, babies swear, dogs swear–when they’re not peeing on the sidewalk. And I am not just referring to the dogs here. As many people that swear are just as happy to pee on the sidewalk. New York–America’s toilet.
The loud swearing and conversations tend to get drowned out by the horns too. Beeping is the number one pasttime of New York city drivers. They beep to convey any message–“Stop.” “Go.” “Please feel free to pee on the sidewalk.” If the Empire State Building were to topple on its side across 5th Avenue right in front of you I guarantee there would be a cab right behind you leaning on the horn as if to say, “Can’t you do something about this?”
Well, you say, the people may not be great but how can you resist a city with so much to do? There must be any number of things to do in New York.
Wrong again, folks. Let me sum up what you can do in New York with one word: looking. Yup, that’s it. You can look at stuff.
There’s tons of bars and cool nightclubs. As you shove your way past a crowd of 30 year-old stock brokers who think they are still frat boys as they comb-over a single 4-foot long strand of hair to cover a massive bald spot and hit on a pack of leather-pant wearing 40 year-old ex-sorority girls, you can work your way into a hot night spot with your friends. Of course, the music is so loud you can’t talk to anyone and the place is so crowded you can’t get to the bar so what do you do? Stand around and look.
Art galleries: Stand and look. Movies: Recline and look. Broadway shows: Sit and look. Wanna hit the hot tourist spots? Go to the top of the Empire State Building and look at a whole city full of people also looking. Wanna spend some time at the park? Don’t go on the grass–just look. “Where’s Waldo” must have been a huge hit in New York–you can just stay home and look.
Dirty, noisy and surprisingly dull for such a big place–New York City. But don’t ask a New Yorker that–as far as they are concerned New York is the center of the world. Take a look at any major newspaper not published in New York and the headline might be “England Destroyed By Meteor.” On that same day, a New York paper’s front page would be, “Yankee David Justice Gets Misdirected Phone Call, Giuliani Calls For Investigation.”
Do I dislike New York? No, I despise it. I always wanted to be a politician in the US. Now, I want to be one in some America-hating country so that I might one day have the opportunity to wipe this city off the map. My only consolation is that I will soon be away from here for good.
Luckily, I am getting out before I get all bitter.
Goodbye, New York. From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee….