Remember debtors’ prisons? They were these minimum-security prisons for people who owed a lot of money back in the day. I mean, back in the day! Man, they should bring those back. I think it would solve a lot of problems. Like for instance, I could buy this massage chair from the Sharper Image for $1585.67. And when I don’t pay for it, they throw me in debtors’ prison where I get free room and board for a couple of months, and when I got out, not only would I have this great chair that would magically melt my cares away, but I’d probably have saved some money on food, read a few good books, and maybe become really buff.
Sweet.
And think about if I wanted to get engaged. I could “buy” this great diamond platinum ring from like Cartier or Walmart or someplace, and then chill in the D.P. for a while. I mean, yeah, I’d miss my fiancé, but she’d be planning the whole wedding and wouldn’t need me anyway. I’d just be in the way. But in the D.P., I could carve chess pieces like Andy Dufresne and catch up on my letter writing. It’s like camp, only maybe the food is better and there’s no softball. Unless there is. Hell, let’s put a field on the grounds, and we could play softball AND kickball. And while we’re at it, let’s add a soda fountain and a video arcade and a TV lounge. Actually, forget the lounge. Everyone will have TV’s in his or her cell so no one would use the lounge. The again, maybe they all want to watch a movie together, like Shawshank Redemption. And maybe they’ll want to have Mario Kart tournaments. Or Mario Tennis. Or Pokemon Stadium. OK, the lounge is back in. Man, this debtors’ prison idea kicks ass.
I think I’ll start a lobbying group to get the ball rolling. Who’s with me? Ok, you, you, you and…you! The rest of you, thank you, no hard feelings, we will keep you in mind for our next lobbying organization. We need some kind of hook to catch the attention of politicians. I suggest a big sharp one with barbs. And put some tuna or some money or a barrel of pork on the end. Then we’ll reel ’em in and smack their heads against the side of the boat. That reminds me, there should be a fishin’ hole at the D.P. And trips to Hawaii. And port wine cheese and triscuits.
I can’t wait to get the D.P. built so I can start debtin’. I hope they let me bring my massage chair with me.