OK, I have remained silent long enough and feel I must at last weigh in on this most controversial of subjects.
The age-old debate among “Star Trek” fans (known throughout the world as “losers”…I mean, “Trekkers”) has threatened to destabilize this great nation, and it is only through T. J. Monkey’s–the voice of reason in a maelstrom of discontent–that order can again be restored. Who was the better Captain of the starship Enterprise: Kirk or Picard?
In truth, it’s hard to say. Captain Kirk was played by the indomitable William Shatner, who now, nearly 10 years after last playing the role, is an aging, balding, moderately washed-up actor. Captain Picard was played by Patrick Stewart, who conveniently started out aging, balding, and more or less washed-up in an effort to keep things simple. Both faced a stunning array of terrifying actors with various things glued to their foreheads. Both were surrounded by fearless crews parading around in their pajamas. How can one truly judge the mettle of these two gods among men? And: can they be evaluated in a vacuum?
What about the black guy or the woman? Oh sure, they had names, but their names aren’t what’s important. What’s important is that in the future there is room for a woman captain in Starfleet…because in space she can drive as crazy as she wants! Women drivers! Ha! And what’s important now is that there is space for a joke about women drivers.
Oh yeah, and how come there were never any French captains? Staring down death in the face of some Klingon laser beams, the fearless Captain Pepin downs a glass of Merlot and shouts to the engineer, “Sacre bleu! Ze Klingons, zey eez le shooting le spaceship!”
Sorry, I digress.
Anyway, if you ask the average 35 year-old Star Trek fan who their favorite captain is they will probably wet the bed. This begs the question: why were they in bed when you asked them? Nevertheless, this proves my thesis statement–which I did not bother to explicitly state at the beginning in case it was wrong–that all Star Trek fans are weird. There is no real place for this type of discussion in intelligent, everyday conversation with the sole exception of discussing the merits of one Darren vs. the other in the series “Bewitched.”
So. People: stop watching Science Fiction because it just freaks me out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wait in line for the new Doctor Who video to come out.