So last week I was walking on Madison Avenue, when all of a sudden, I was overcome by lava! It was the kind of lava that was hot. My pants caught on fire, and I didn’t really know what to do. At that point, I was mostly confused, because there are no naturally occurring geoplasmic reservoirs in the Manhattan area, so that certainly didn’t make sense. Then my leg started hurting, so I started thinking about that.
It wasn’t particularly fast moving lava. I mean, I could have probably outran it or maybe I could have poured the big bottle of Volvic I was carrying in my bag on it.
But, I was really tired. I was, like, really tired. I had to work for like 10 hours that day, and to be honest, I just didn’t have the energy. I just figured that eventually someone like Tommy Lee Jones would come to save the day, or at the very least come to save me. Unfortunately, (as I later found out) he was filming his new movie, Gale-force Winds in California that day.
Luckily, there was a passerby who tried to encourage me to action.
“Hey, dude, your foot is on fire!”
“Yes. It seems that it is. I seem to have been suddenly overcome by lava. Would you be so kind as to help me out of this lava. It is quite hot.”
“Well, why don’t you just step out of it? Or maybe pour that big bottle of Volvic there on your foot.”
“But…I’m so tired.”
“Suit yourself. I’m headin’ for the hills!”
Now, I only have one foot.
Moral of the story: if you’re ever suddenly overcome by lava (especially hot lava), make sure that you haven’t worked too hard that day. Because, to be perfectly clear here: having only one foot isn’t as good as having two feet.
Shout out to Evan Variano on this one.