There are some magazines that I find to be a true affront to the decency of our good nation. The kind of publications that can make you lose your appetite and leave you wondering what happened to the moral decency of America. You know the magazines I’m talking about… um, actually, I guess you don’t. You see I’ve intentionally led you to believe that I’m talking about porn so that I can burst forth with a delightful comical surprise. I’m not talking about porn though, cuz while I find porn disgusting (Mom, I hope you’re reading this) I don’t really know how to crack jokes about it. I tried writing a thought titled ‘On Boobies’ but it just didn’t really seem to fly…
The disgusting periodicals that I am referring to the magazines about running, things like Runners World. The fact that they produce a new issue every month Boggles my mind to the point where I simply refuse to find words of four or more letters from a 4×4 array of letters. They’re making a profit out of people who obviously spend much more time exercising their legs, chests, and general bodies rather than their minds. I can imagine potentially one issue with really only one article:
- Running Made Easy
Start running. (Feel free to use the traditional motion of “placing one leg forward and then the next” that you’ve surely been using all your life.) Keep running until you get too tired to keep going or you come to the end of the race or course that you’ve been running. Cool.
That seems to me to be about all there is to it. It’s not like there’s some sort of spectator sport that they’re trying to cover. Nobody has a favorite running team that they’re pulling for. The extent of interest in running is rooting for the American guy whenever the Olympics are on. Both of my older brothers ran cross country in high school, and I got dragged to their meets all the time. Here is the account of my experience as a cross-country spectator.
- Gun goes off, all the people you’ve come to watch run away from you and out of sight.
- Stand for 15-20 minutes and listen to your mom talk to other moms about stuff like the PTA.
- Watch the last minute of people’s runs as they cross the finish line often at evenly spaced intervals so as to prevent any excitement.
- Go home wishing that your brothers had physically matured faster and make plans to play football despite the fact that you’re so thin that when you stand in front of the TV nobody really minds.
- Play football. Have your frail body beaten close to the point of breaking. Go through college having everyone say in honest amazement, "YOU played football?"
Ergo, running is not a good spectator sport. Ergo, there are no fans and nobody needing to read about other people do it. Ergo, the only need for the publication is to instruct people in the art of running. Eggo, makes tasty waffles, and everybody already knows how to run.
- Here are the only other possible headlines that I can think of:
- Pouring Water On Your Head: Refreshing, Pouring Gatorade On Your Head: Sticky
- Double-Knotting Your Laces: The Experts Share Secrets Of The Trade
- How to Stretch: 20 Questions With Stretch Armstrong
- Cramps: Ouchie Wowchie
- Convincing People You Actually Like Running And Don’t Just Do It For Exercise.
Once again, this does not constitute enough content for a monthly publication. I am confused as to how I’m the only to have noticed the pathetic display of journalism that is Runner’s World. For too long, you T.J. Monkey’s readers have been in the dark. But now you know and knowing is half the battle. Next week I’ll introduce you to my favorite opera singer. Because then you’ll know Kathleen Battle and knowing Kathleen Battle is the other half of the battle.