Last night I was taking one of those scintillating online personality tests for some reason always seem so appropriate at one in the morning. At the end of fifteen minutes of clicking, I found that I am a “dreamer” and that I share that personality type with (I kiddeth ye not) Babe, the pig from the movie “Babe.” Before I was bestowed with that inspiring revelation though, there was one question that caught my attention.
“Do you believe that there’s one true love for you?”
I responded in the affirmative, but I think that the magical elves with Psych. majors who live in my computer may have misread my response. They probably thought that I believed in fate or had some optimistic outlook on love. They’re of course wrong and have since been replaced by Internet gnomes who seem to be much more perceptive. The actual reason for my answer was a result of simple math.
- 276,059,00 – The estimate according to the US census web site of people living in the United States on November 1, 2000. From 2 trips overseas, I can promise you I have no appeal to the foreign ladies.
- 141,080,00 – The number of females in the United States. Sorry, I’m neither gay, bi, nor curious.
- 13,090,000 – The number of females age 18-24. Older women intimidate me, and I like to keep things legal.
- 6,423,000 – The number of those that I would find attractive enough to date. This figure is a result of extensive research on amihotornot.com
- 132,000 – The number that would find me attractive enough to date. This figure is a result of an extensive survey I like to call “life experience.”
- 131,987 – The number that like Dave Matthews Band, cuz frankly I’m a big fan. Seem high? Look back to the second and third specifications.
- 5 – The number who’s favorite DMB song isn’t “Satellite” and realize that “Crash” isn’t a beautiful love song, but about a weird stalker guy.
- 1 – The number who don’t mind the rambling antics of a lanky, socially awkward, near-sighted Lutheran who likes TJ Monkeys and A Cappella music.
QED
Yes, there’s only one girl for me and I’ve known who it is for some time now. You guessed it: someday Belinda Carlisle will be mine. Till then, Babe and I shall remain dreamers. Oink oink.